Why Am I Not Good Enough for Him? How to Answer & Feel Better

According to him, everything you say or do is a problem. Which makes you constantly wonder, ”Why am I not good enough for him?” He’s dead wrong. Here’s why.

He called me an attention whore once.

The instant the words left his mouth, my jaw dropped and my eyes almost bugged right out of my head.

Time slowed to a crawl as my brain tried to process what I’d just heard. Then it sped right up again as a roaring filled my ears.

The dirty nerve! Nobody had ever called me a whore of any sort in my life.

With frustrated tears trembling on my lashes, my words of defense and outrage tripped over themselves spilling from my mouth. But all that emerged was a tangled mass of half-thoughts and unfinished sentences, each throbbing with pain from the wound he’d just inflicted.

Even worse, though?

Our conversation ended with me admitting I was an attention whore. Except I didn’t actually think I was.

Sadly, most of our conversations ended in that way—with me crumbling under the pressure of his unstoppable logic. Because by then, I’d let him turn me into a mass of insecurity, convinced he knew me better than I knew myself.

Which was why these conversations always ended with me agreeing with him.

And how I ended up on that unforgettable day feeling cheap and dirty, wondering in agony: Why am I not good enough for him?

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Why I Was Never Good Enough for Him

He’d been hanging on to that one for a while, I could tell. It was obvious once he started listing the reasons why he’d diagnosed me as an attention whore.

You’re too affectionate with other people,” he said. He’d decided being a hugger made me look loose.
You do too much for your friends, he said.” Which somehow devalued the things I did for him.
You laugh too loud,” he said. Which, according to him, made me come across as vulgar and desperate for the spotlight.

He turned my good qualities into something sordid and weaponized them. And I let him use them to destroy my self-worth and self-image.

Eventually, most of my emotional energy went into trying to force myself into the mold he’d created for me. Hoping every morning that today would be the day I was finally good enough for him.

But First, Your Real Feelings

Maybe your husband or boyfriend has never called you a whore (I hope not! You do not want to feel that pain, believe me).

Even so, you’ve probably had conversations that ended with you devastated and riddled with self-doubt. Feeling like you’re never good enough—as his partner, helper, or woman.

And no matter how much you try mind-blocking his hurtful, toxic words, they still ooze through your mental barriers. Poisoning your soul and deflating your spirit.

The thought, “Why am I never good enough for him?” torments you mercilessly as his endless criticisms dog your steps, even when you’re apart.

You’re too much of this thing.
You’re not enough of the other thing.
Why can’t you just be…?
No other woman I know says or does this.

It’s gotten to the point where you no longer feel emotionally safe with him. So even when you’re smiling and laughing on the outside, you’ve braced yourself on the inside, waiting for the next emotional blow to fall.

In small and large ways, you’re not good enough in your relationship, and that hurts.

But hurt isn’t your only emotion.

Why Am I Not Good Enough? Your Anger

Some days you feel like a bug under a microscope as he scrutinizes every one of your unconscious actions and innocent words for hidden meaning and intent.

You can’t possibly remain unaffected when someone is constantly dissecting you. At the very least, it’s annoying. But you’ve been living with it for years now and you’re way past annoyed.

After all, you’re not the only flawed human being in this equation.

Yet somehow you’re the only one whose imperfections are a problem since—shockingly—he’s classified his flaws as minor compared to yours.

Sure, he tosses you the occasional compliment. But in a sea of criticism, it feels insincere—like it’s meant to encourage you to just keep trying to be good enough for him. Like he’s rewarding you for good behavior.

You’re not a puppy going through obedience school. And you’re not a potty-training toddler. So of course you feel patronized!

In fact, if not for the certain backlash, you’d probably hulk-smash something.

Still, you force a smile and accept his token compliments. Then you bite your tongue and choke down your simmering resentment.

Why Am I Not Good Enough? Your Exhaustion

Meanwhile, every new flaw he finds in you joins the pile you’re already knocking yourself out, trying—and mostly failing—to fix.

You thought willpower was your answer and it worked…at first. Because whenever you mentally relaxed, you inevitably slipped up and went right back to being not good enough for him.

Now, you look for help wherever you can find it. Maybe your “get good enough for him” self-improvement plan—mostly prescribed by him—looks like mine did:

Watching all the videos he recommends about being vulnerable. So you can learn how to recognize and admit your flaws without him having to point them out. Being a self-appointed Negative Nelly is exhausting work, I guess.
Reading books about healing yourself so you can “learn to love fully.” Because maybe if you somehow love him more you’ll finally be good enough for him.
Taking online self-improvement courses. So you can become a better person without so much intervention from him.

You’ve journaled, crafted, and done daily affirmations. You’ve even begged God to make you good enough for this man to finally love you the way you want to be loved.

Heck, you’ve left no stone unturned in your quest to be good enough for him.

So you’re striving to fix what’s already wrong with you, plus keeping up your mental guard so you don’t give him more ammunition.

No wonder you feel like you’re about to collapse from the emotional strain!

Why Am I Not Good Enough? Your Confusion

Here’s the thing, though. You used to think you were basically a good person but now you’re not so sure. Because how can a good person have so many flaws?

Of course, self-preservation always drives you to fight his accusations. Even so, his razor-sharp, rapid-fire reasoning always sounds so logical, you can never come up with a solid defense.

Every single time—through every single conversational battle zone—you feel bombarded and shellshocked.

Which is how you end up defeated and surrendering, admitting to the latest reason why you’re not good enough for him. Taking the blame for the issues in your relationship.

You’re now low-level legit worried—understandably so—asking yourself, “What if it’s true? What if I am not good enough?”

Considering all this, no one can blame you for teetering on the edge of believing you are, in reality, an awful person.

You don’t want to think so. But what choice do you have when he’s force-feeding you his “logical” arguments?

Why Is Nothing I Say or Do Good Enough? 2 Surprising Answers

So there you are, frustrated, exhausted, hurt, confused, and wondering, “Why am I not good enough for my husband?”

In anguish about why you can’t just get it together and change for the sake of your relationship. Even as you ask yourself why everything you do seems to be wrong.

Let’s look at two underlying issues which answer your question of why you never feel good enough for your man.

First, a large part of the problem comes down to his own insecurity.

You see, he may be in a secret struggle with low self-esteem issues. People on that struggle bus often throw others under it so they can feel better about themselves.

This is true even if he comes across as the most confident man in the world like my ex did. But, you see, genuinely confident people never need to put others down.

When he makes you feel like you’re never good enough for him, he sets himself up as better than you by comparison. Which, of course, makes him feel good about himself. Even if it’s at the expense of your self-esteem.

So your husband or boyfriend may turn everything around on you because he doesn’t feel good enough in some sphere of his life.

Second, you’ve allowed him to erode your self-esteem and self-image.

You’ve let his words poison your perception of yourself. And you’ve let his criticisms cause you to doubt your ability to love well.

Now, you can’t control his behavior and get him to stop implying—and sometimes saying straight out—you’re never good enough for him.

But you can totally control your side of the equation.

We’ll talk about this critical part of the solution in a minute. But first, let’s look at this whole problem of feeling like you’re not good enough for your man from a new angle.

Why Am I Never Good Enough? What God Says About You

Your man may have you convinced he knows you better than you know yourself. But he’s dead wrong.

Someone knows you far better than he—or you, for that matter—ever will…God.

Your Creator sees deep into your heart where all your hidden stuff lives.

He knows every thought you have, including those that flash through your mind so fast, you’re unaware of them. God knows the real motives behind every one of your actions.

He knows the real, honest-to-goodness you. Including the you who’s afraid you’re not good enough for your man.

And guess what?

God loves you perfectly anyway.

God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!
Jeremiah 31:3 (MSG)

Don’t miss the message: God’s love never stops.

It’s even literally every other line in Psalm 136.

This means you can’t think, say, or do anything so bad, God will stop loving you.

It also means no matter how imperfect you are, God’s love for you is always perfect. You can’t do anything to make Him love you more, and nothing you do can make Him love you any less.

I hear you: “But Kris, does this even apply to me?”

Sure, God said that thing about His forever love thousands of years ago. Which makes you wonder if it’s still relevant today.

But He said something else too:

“For I am the Lord, I do not change.”
Malachi 3:6a (AMPC)

So our God who declared His love for Israel ages ago? He’s the same God who loves you exactly as you are today.

He loved you perfectly when you were an innocent baby, an inquisitive little girl, a snarky teenager.

And He loves you perfectly now when you’re a woman who’s afraid she’ll never feel good enough for her man.

Of course, no one can blame you for being skeptical. Especially after feeling inadequate and unworthy for so long.

You’re in the habit of thinking you’ll only be fully loved when you become or do more of this or less of that.

But here’s the literal Bible truth: God loves you with everlasting, unconditional, unfailing love.

And you can trust this truth because the Bible also tells you this:

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Numbers 23:19a (ESV)

My darling, God isn’t lying to you. When He says He loves you, He means it. And He’ll never change His mind.

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How Can I Stop Feeling Not Good Enough for Him?

Do you see it now?

The One who matters most, who knows you best, and who sees you clearest—He loves you without conditions and never sees you as not good enough.

Because of your salvation through Jesus Christ, God sees you through the lens of grace as worthy and good enough for His love.

So it’s time to tune out your man’s poisonous opinions and craft a whole new vision of yourself.

Picture this:

You, fully yourself. Feeling no pressure to change, even when he’s picking at your latest flaws.
Your steady heartbeat and genuinely peaceful state the next time he bombards you with his usual criticisms.
Being so crystal clear about who you are, you only feel sympathy when he comes at you with his toxic opinions.

Wouldn’t that feel way better than being defensive, resentful, angry, exhausted, and confused all the time?

Great news: You can have it all.

Here’s how.

1. Stop trying to be good enough for him.

According to him, you’re so far from perfect, it’s laughable. And you know what?

He’s right.

But then, he isn’t perfect either. Neither am I. Neither is any human being on this planet, even Perfect Patty down the street.

And the truth is, some of the issues he brings up about you are probably very real.

But neither your willpower nor the latest best-selling self-help book will magically change you into the woman he wants you to be. Because I promise you, if you do somehow manage to wrangle your personality into the box he’s trying to cram you into, the real you will keep leaking out all over the place.

Plus, your goal of finally being good enough for him is a moving target you can never hit. Just when you think you’ve arrived, he’ll move the finish line with one more thing you need to fix.

So just stop trying.

But…

This doesn’t mean you start living a sloppy life and give up on elevating yourself. Instead, it means you start by recognizing the source of your help.

I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!
Psalm 121:1-2 (NLT)

2. Invite God into your self-improvement plan.

As for those real issues you need to address. You won’t do yourself any favors by ignoring them because you feel salty over his constant criticism or his delivery.

On the other hand, you don’t need to feel overwhelmed by your mountain of personal problems he claims you need to fix.

Instead, invite God to show you one thing He wants to work on in you right now. Just one. Then invite Him to do everything necessary to help you sort out the issue.

But don’t worry; God won’t cram what you can’t handle down your throat. When it’s time to deal with something, He’ll equip you to handle it.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13 (NLT)

Then—and this is very important, so listen up…

Do whatever God shows you to do, even when—especially when—it feels hard or scary.

3. Praise God through your doubts.

So you’ve stopped striving to be good enough for him. And you’ve invited God to be your self-improvement guide. Which means it’s time for a warning.

At some point, you’ll probably find yourself right back to feeling like the victim of your husband or boyfriend’s negative opinions. Suddenly, you’ll find yourself thinking all over again, “Why am I never good enough for him?”

When it happens, your natural reaction will be to go into a spiral of negative, unhelpful thoughts about what’s wrong with you and why you can’t just change.

In short, you’ll feel like you’re right back at square one.

Here’s how to short-circuit this whole process:

Pump your mental brakes and stop thinking about all your faults and shortcomings.
Take a few deep, calming breaths.
Don’t beat yourself up for falling back into your old habit.
Give yourself the grace and love you need in the moment.

Then it’s time to change your self-talk. Remind yourself of these truths:

You’re not at the mercy of anyone’s opinions about you, except God’s.
God thinks so much of you, He sacrificed His Son to give you eternal life.
God sees and knows you with unconditional, unshakeable love.
You’re no one’s emotional victim or hostage.
Jesus’ completed work on the cross in your place makes you good enough. Full stop.

Round out this flood of uplifting self-talk by praising God.

Your love, God, is my song, and I’ll sing it! I’m forever telling everyone how faithful you are. I’ll never quit telling the story of your love—how you built the cosmos and guaranteed everything in it.
Psalm 89:1-2 (MSG)

When you do, you shift your focus back to the best place it can be—on God and His love for you.

Get Your Free Scripture Cards (With Bible Verses to Feel Great!)

When you rebuild your self-worth and self-esteem with intention, you take back your emotional power from your man—or anyone else who has you thinking you’re not good enough for them.

One way to support your rebuilding efforts is renewing your mind with what God says about you. Use these Scripture cards now to set a firm foundation.

Get the free Scripture cards. You’ll get the printable cards and join my weekly newsletter. Just click here to get the cards and subscribe.
Print the cards. You can print them on any type of paper but heavy cardstock is best so they last.
Keep the card you need most right now in your wallet (they’re sized to slide right in next to your driver’s license and bank cards), stick it on your bathroom mirror, or prop it on the base of your bedside lamp so it’s the last thing you see at night and the first thing you see in the morning.

Here’s a sneak peek of your free printable Scripture cards:

Your Action List for When You Wonder, “Why Am I Not Good Enough for Him?”

If he’d punched me in the stomach, it would have hurt less than calling me an attention whore.

The wound bled for years afterward and didn’t heal until I learned the truths you now know:

Putting you down makes him feel better about his own shortcomings.
You don’t have to let his poison eat away at your self-worth and self-esteem.
God’s love for you makes you already good enough.

And because you know this, you can now:

Stop trying to be good enough for him. You’re fighting a battle you can’t win.
Invite God into your self-improvement plan. Not to earn His love, but to become the woman He created you to be.
Praise God through your doubts. Shifting your focus stops your downward spiral and puts you back in the driver’s seat.

Attention whore?

I’m no whore. Of any kind. And the things my ex-partner disliked the most in me have turned out to be the things I love most about myself. Just like you’ll probably find in your situation.

So ditch whatever put-downs he’s labeled you with, and remind yourself of the truth: You’re God Almighty’s precious daughter, bought with the blood of Jesus.

And because of that, you’re already good enough.

Before you go, get your printable FREE download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

Action Checklist for When Someone Makes You Feel Not Good Enough

Use this confidence-boosting checklist when your partner makes you feel not good enough:

Recognize his insecurity and don’t let it corrode your self-esteem.
Exit the battle to be good enough for him. It’s one you can’t win.
Remind yourself of God’s unconditional love for you.
Remind yourself of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, which makes you good enough.
Invite God to be the author and facilitator of your plan to become the woman He created you to be.
Give yourself grace and love yourself out of slips back into your old habit of wondering, “Am I good enough for him?”
Short-circuit negative spirals and moments of doubt by praising God.

Why Am I Not Good Enough for Him? This Answer Will Make You Feel Better