How to Stop Trying to Be Happy and Still Make Your Life Joyful

Inside: Does being happy seem like an uphill battle? Here’s why you’ll do yourself a favor if you stop trying to be happy. Plus what to do instead so you still find true joy.

I clicked, “Book It,” and sighed with relief. All I had to do now was make it through the next few weeks before my vacation started. Then I could escape my life for a little while and finally be happy.

Because the truth was, trying to be happy all the time was exhausting. Especially when, beneath my fragile facade, I felt like my whole life sucked.

So I leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes, and fantasized about vacating my life. For those couple of weeks, I could push it all to the back of my mind and pretend everything eating away at me didn’t exist.

Sure, it would all be there when I came back. But at least for a precious few days, I wouldn’t have to try so hard to be happy.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity. It gives you 7 revealing questions to help break through your fog of confusion and decide what to do now.

Why You’re Trying to Be Happy

On the surface, it didn’t look like I had any reason to be unhappy, which had me wondering what was wrong with me.

Maybe you can relate.

Maybe, as I did, you hate your job. Even though the paycheck is big, the perks are great, and the position is all you could ever dream of, you’re still miserable at work.

So it’s not surprising that you drag yourself from bed every workday morning, dreading the daily slog ahead. You’re living for the weekends, when you banish all thoughts of work until the dread hits you again on Sunday night.

Or maybe, like mine was, your great-looking relationship has you becoming someone you don’t like—a woman who’s lost her self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem. Because no matter how hard you try, you’re not good enough for him and he keeps hurting you emotionally.

So you seek out alone time like a sugar addict seeking out a slice of melt-in-your-mouth chocolate truffle cake. For those few stolen moments, you can stop trying to be happy and revel in the pleasure of hiding away from your own personal Negative Nelly. 

Or maybe, like mine was, your amazing-looking walk with God is nothing but a big, fat lie. Every line you’ve written in your tear-soaked prayer journals tells the story of your anguish over God’s silence in your life. And your belief about how special you are to God is fading fast.

Still, you keep pleading with Him for rescue from your morass of unhappiness, because what else are you gonna do?

On the surface, it looks like you have no reason to be unhappy. Yet here you are, wondering how you can stop trying to be happy and experience true joy in your life.

What Won’t Work When You’re Trying to Be Happy

It’s not like you haven’t done everything under creation to achieve happiness. After all, you’re a goal-oriented, go-getter, and doing nothing to solve your problems isn’t your cup of tea.

You’ve scoured every article on how to know what your calling is from God. You’ve taken every personality and relationship quiz known to man. And you’ve read every self-help and self-improvement book you could get your hands on. You’ve even tried who-I-am affirmations, feel-better meditations, and a gratitude journal.

All of which work for other people—you’ve seen the glowing testimonials—but not one of which has worked for you.

Related: How to Build Your Dream Lifestyle: 3 Simple But Unexpected Steps

And on top of it all, not only have you failed at finding happiness, but you feel ashamed and ungrateful too. Because in truth, you have a good life and you should be happy with it.

So now, at the end of all your failed efforts, you’ve made a decision: It’s time to stop trying and get happy already!

But how?

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity. It gives you 7 revealing questions to help break through your fog of confusion and decide what to do now.

But Here’s the Problem

Before I tell you the secret to stop trying to be happy and still find true joy in your life, let’s talk about why looking for a magic potion to cure your unhappiness isn’t a good idea. It’s the same reason why all of the things you’ve tried before have failed.

The thing is, when you’re trying to be happy, you’re usually doing it to avoid a negative emotion.

Maybe it’s disappointment about how your life is going. Or it could be regret over dreams you’ve abandoned. Or maybe even rejection because you’re feeling abandoned by God and others.

This is totally normal since many of us have been raised and socialized to ignore, deny, and escape our negative emotions.

Bored? Distract yourself with a good binge. Doesn’t matter if it’s food, Netflix, or novels.

Hurt? Distance yourself from the pain. Ignore it, pretend like it never happened, and banish it to the depths of your memory banks forever.

Disappointed? Tell yourself you shouldn’t feel that way. Pick up a new gratitude practice, dive into a new volunteer position, or block it all out in the pages of a book from your TBR pile.

Now, I’m not saying watching Netflix, reading, or volunteering is wrong. But you’re doing yourself no favors if you’re using them to escape a negative emotion. When you do, you hurt yourself in two ways.

1. When you’re trying to be happy, you’re denying reality.

A heinous lie is going around. It says you’re supposed to be happy all the time. If you’re not, you should count your blessings, send yourself some positive vibes, and get happy again.

But here’s the truth from Jesus Himself:

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

John 16:33 (NLT)

Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, and it’s not supposed to be. But when you’re trying to be happy and denying your true feelings, you’re telling yourself life shouldn’t be this way.

Nothing good can come of this. All you do is make yourself feel worse because, on top of your unhappiness, you pile guilt, shame, and ungratefulness.

2. When you’re trying to be happy, you’re shortchanging yourself.

Whoever said tough times make you stronger wasn’t kidding. Because the truth is, you grow through discomfort, not when everything is sunshine and roses.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 1:2-4 (NLT)

You come out on the other side of challenges a stronger, more emotionally mature woman. So when you’re trying to be happy and denying your true feelings, you’re robbing yourself of the opportunity to become the next amazing version of yourself.

Stop Trying to Be Happy: What to Do Instead

Now you know how you’ve been hurting yourself trying all the things to be happy, what do you do instead?

Well, you stop trying to be happy. Just stop. Allow the negative emotion you’ve been avoiding to come. Sit with it, be compassionate with yourself as you feel it, and have your own back as you walk through it.

If you’re hurt, be hurt. If you’re disappointed, be disappointed. If you feel bored, sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated, or afraid, feel it! Acknowledge the emotion you’re trying to avoid, let yourself fully feel it, and process it. This is the only way you’ll get to the other side of it without piling on more negative emotions, like shame or ungratefulness.

Use the opportunity to dig into your feelings and get to know yourself better. Ask yourself—and answer—questions like:

• Why do I feel this way?
• What are my thoughts about this situation?
• What do I wish had happened or hadn’t happened instead?

Once you’ve thought and journaled through these questions, look for everywhere you wrote “should” or “shouldn’t”. Because in my experience, the negative emotion you’re trying to avoid often comes when life doesn’t unfold the way you think it should or people aren’t behaving the way you think they should. This is you fighting reality, which is a fight you can never win.

Once you recognize this though, you set yourself up to take your power back. Once you allow the emotion and acknowledge the truth about why you’re feeling it, only then can you set yourself up to feel better without taking the negative emotion with you like unwanted baggage you just can’t shake.

But First, Know This

I hear you. “But Kris, I don’t want to be hurt, sad, disappointed, bored, sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated, or scared. Those emotions feel terrible!”

Here’s the thing: You don’t have to be afraid of negative emotions. They’re just feelings in your body caused by thoughts in your mind. They don’t have to be scary at all. And I may not know you personally but I know you can handle a feeling in your body.

Now, as you do the work to identify your negative emotion, you may be tempted to then immediately try replacing it with happiness. But if you skip over allowing and processing it, you’ll miss all the goodness you can get from the experience. Like emotional growth and knowing yourself better.

At the same time though, don’t stop trying to be happy and get stuck in your negative emotions. You’re not meant to live depressed and unhappy.

I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself.

Philippians 4:11 (CSB)

Instead, feel the negative emotion, be with it, and process it, so you can give yourself the gift of moving on.

Stop Trying to Be Happy Example

Let’s make this real with an example. Say someone did something and now you feel hurt. You could tell yourself:

• “I don’t want to think about it.”
• “They didn’t mean to hurt me so I should just get over it.”
• “Screw them! I’m not giving them the power to hurt me!”

But not one of these avoidance or denial thoughts is realistic or useful.

Instead, you can tell yourself the truth: “I feel hurt because I don’t think they should have done this. I wouldn’t have chosen to do it and I wish they hadn’t. But I don’t get to control them, I only get to control me.”

Then follow up this truth by looking forward: “How would the next version of me want to feel about this whole situation and what would she do now?”

Do you see how you aren’t trying to be happy and ignoring your pain? But you also aren’t wallowing in it. Instead, you stop trying to be happy and allow yourself to keep your emotional power by feeling the pain, moving through it, and choosing your next step with emotionally healthy motives and intentions.

It’s Time to Stop Trying and Get Happy

I don’t remember how my vacation turned out. If it was like most of my vacations back then, probably not very well since avoiding your unhappiness never works out in your favor.

Instead of trying to vacate my life so I could be surface-happy for 2 weeks, I’d have been better served to stop trying to be happy and tell myself the truth: I wanted a do-over of the life choices I’d made to bring me to the brink of misery but felt like I was stuck with them. And I secretly dreamed of a different life but was scared to make new choices that the people whose approval I craved would have scoffed at.

Thank God, I learned my lesson. These days when I click “Book It”, I don’t sigh in relief at the thought of vacating my misery-riddled life. Instead, I look forward with excitement to the upcoming change of scenery in my purpose- and joy-filled life.

Before you go, get your FREE download—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

As for you, you can keep trying to avoid what’s making you unhappy, telling yourself you have no reason to be miserable, and falling for every Band-Aid promise of bliss.

Or you can face your real feelings, dig deep to understand what’s at their root, use them as a growth tool, and empower yourself to evolve into the next amazing version of you.

Then you’ll stop trying to be happy and set yourself up to create true joy in your life.

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