I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore: 5 Inspiring Tips to Overcome

Inside: I don’t even know who I am anymore—it can feel awful but it’s also an opportunity for phenomenal personal growth. Get 5 tips to inspire and ground you on your self-discovery journey. Plus 5 questions to help you go deep within.

“You’re a psychopath!” He sneered as he said it, contempt oozing from his gaze. “You’re selfish, deceitful, and a liar,” he continued. Then he straight-up said I was the worst woman he knew.

I wasn’t expecting the direct hit, so I didn’t have time to shield my heart. In an instant, my world tilted off its axis and didn’t straighten up again for weeks.

I thought—hoped—my boyfriend was speaking in anger and frustration after our hours-long discussion dissecting all my faults. But I was wrong.

He was so serious that he threw his accusations in my face countless times during the next few days. Maybe so I wouldn’t forget, so I’d know he wasn’t kidding, and so I’d get my act together this time.

I was out of it for weeks—I couldn’t eat and barely slept. Because of his words, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. And as a result, I became a shadow of myself.

It was, and still is, the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. In my shock, I didn’t know how to process it.

And because I didn’t know how to process it, I absorbed his venom and believed his lies.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack. It has 8 Scripture cards to help boost your confidence, ramp up your courage, and know who God says you are.

I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore: The Devastating Fallout

Have you walked through the fire of having someone’s poisonous opinions of you forced down your throat? Then you know the pain I felt when the person who was supposed to love me the most hurt me the worst.

You know how it feels when someone else’s decision about who they think you are explodes your self-image. Either their words send you into a spiral of, “I don’t even know who I am anymore!” Or they deepen the spiral you were already in.

Related: Why Am I Not Good Enough for Him? This Answer Will Make You Feel Better

Or maybe it’s not about what someone else thinks of you.

Maybe you’re going through a season where your identity and self-image are on shaky ground because circumstances have rocked you to your core. Perhaps due to grief over the loss of a loved one, career upheaval, or a relationship crisis.

Whatever brought you to a place of I don’t even know who I am anymore, please know one thing. For the sake of your emotional and mental health, you don’t have to stay stuck there.

You can learn how to look within yourself and, with godly guidance, overcome your feeling of, “I don’t know myself anymore.”

But First, 5 Foundational Truths

When you set off on a journey of self-discovery, it’s easy to treat it like a fault-finding mission.

This is especially true when you’re wrestling with feeling like you don’t even know who you are anymore because of someone else’s opinions of you. You can get dead set on finding your faults before others can do it for you.

But this isn’t about fault-finding. This is about leaping over the barriers keeping you trapped in a place of I don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s about you leaning into the discomfort of getting to know yourself, no matter what you find as you dive deep within.

Now, let’s get ready for your journey from I don’t even know who I am anymore with these 5 tips. They’ll help make your journey of self-discovery a loving and productive one.

Related: Self-Love Bible Study: How to Love Yourself in Truth

1. I don’t even know who I am anymore…but I’m not perfect.

It sounds cliche but it’s true. You’re not perfect and you don’t need to condemn yourself for it.

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.

Romans 3:23 (NLT)

You have failings, even big ones. This is normal because you’re human and, therefore, imperfect. So as you seek to find yourself, don’t beat yourself up for the imperfections you come across.

2. I don’t even know who I am anymore…and finding out is a good thing.

Gaining wisdom is a good thing—God says so all over the Bible.

Wise words come from the lips of people with understanding, but those lacking sense will be beaten with a rod.

Proverbs 10:13 (NLT)

In this case, wisdom means learning about who you are and who God wants you to be. Then use the knowledge you gain to make good and godly decisions.

Don’t be afraid of what you may find. Your new wisdom and knowledge will give you more personal power than you’ve ever had before.

3. I don’t even know who I am anymore…but I want to.

You can’t defeat an enemy you won’t admit exists. In the same way, you can’t work on what you won’t face.

This means if you want to conquer not knowing who you are, you have to face every part of yourself—even the not-so-nice ones.

Let’s take David as an example. Unlike the Israelite army, who were afraid to face their enemies, David acknowledged them. Then, because of his faith in God to give him victory, he engaged them without hesitation.

When the Philistine arose and came and drew near to meet David, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Philistine.

1 Samuel 17:48 (ESV)

Then he killed the trash-talking giant who had seemed scary to an entire army just a few moments before.

You can do the same when unpleasant aspects of your personality come up as you work to overcome I don’t know myself anymore. Face them head-on so you can conquer them.

4. I don’t even know who I am anymore…but God loves me.

It doesn’t matter what you find as you dig around inside yourself. You don’t have to let your discoveries about your identity drag you down. 

God loves you unconditionally. This means no ugliness in your deepest heart will ever cause Him to turn His back on you. Plus, as a born-again, confessed believer in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is always with you through every discovery.

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth.

John 14:16-17a (NLT)

The Holy Spirit is your counselor, advocate, comforter, and friend. And if you let Him, He’ll help you absorb and deal with the truth of whatever you find on your self-discovery journey.

5. I don’t even know who I am anymore…but I’m not all bad.

If you’ve found yourself in a place of not knowing who you are because of some poisonous thing someone has said about you, listen up!

You need to take their condemnation with a grain of salt and filter their judgment through God’s lens of grace.

This is what Jesus did with the woman who was caught in adultery. The Pharisees brought her to Jesus for judgment. Then they kept nagging Him to put His stamp of approval on her stoning.

Here’s what Jesus said:

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

John 8:7 (ESV)

The person playing the role of your Pharisee may be cruel and insensitive in their quest to shove their judgment down your throat. They may do it because they’re frustrated or because they’re trying to avoid their own shortcomings like my ex was.

Whatever their reason, you don’t have to swallow their opinion. There’s only one righteous Judge and He judges you, His daughter, by grace.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack. It has 8 Scripture cards to help boost your confidence, ramp up your courage, and know who God says you are.

I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore: 5 Simple Questions to Work Through It

Now, it’s usually easier to see and accept your positives. But processing your shortcomings in a healthy way isn’t as easy. So let’s use a real example from your life to help you practice looking inward with objectivity and grace.

Think of a fault you have that only you know about. This is important because you don’t want it already untainted by someone else’s opinions. This way, you can form your own unadulterated opinion.

If possible, make it something you’ve kept hidden because you’re scared others would judge you because of it.

Pull it out now and examine it as you ask yourself these questions. Keep these tips in mind as you contemplate them:

• Focus on each question for at least one full minute.
• Set a timer if you have to, so you can fight the temptation to let your mind wander.
• Journal your answer to each question, which will help you clarify your thoughts.

1. How do you feel about your fault?

Sink into your memory of this shortcoming. Don’t cringe away from it.

How do you feel? Are you angry, uncertain, or afraid of being judged? Do you feel inadequate, embarrassed, or ashamed?

Write down every emotion you feel. Also, write down how your body feels as you let the emotions wash over you.

This helps you identify and process your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as you work your way through I don’t even know who I am anymore.

2. Why do you feel this way?

For each of the emotions you identified, dig deeper to find out why you feel this way.

For example, are you afraid people would think you were a bad person if they knew? Why does this scare you?

Remember to lean into the discomfort of digging into your thoughts and emotions. It’s the only way you’ll get to the other side of I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Related: 25 Who I Am in Christ Affirmations You Need to Know

3. Is the fault real?

Back when I was still in a toxic relationship with my emotionally abusive ex, I let his harsh opinions of me color my opinions of myself.

I let him train me to make mountains out of molehills when it came to my faults. So I let him make every little thing into an issue.

This is why you need to get objective as you look at your fault and ask yourself if it’s a real problem. It could be you’d be totally fine with, if not for your fear of someone else’s harsh judgment and impossible standards.

You get to decide.

4. Why do you think this?

Dig deeper again. If you think this fault is real, why do you think so? Give yourself reasons so you’re sure you’re not nitpicking.

On the other hand, if you think this fault isn’t real, give yourself reasons for why not. This way, you make sure you’re not skating over something that could be important for your emotional growth.

5. What can you learn from it?

You can say what sounds good, but your actions usually show the real truth. So what does this fault tell you about what you truly believe or how you truly think?

Also, what do your actions in hiding this fault tell you about what you truly believe or how you truly think?

Answer this question even if you’ve concluded that this isn’t a real fault. You’ve been hiding it for a reason, which can tell you a whole lot more to help you conquer I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Your Checklist to Overcome I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore

My ex worked on undermining my identity for years. So by the time my ex called me a psychopath and a selfish, deceitful liar, I was already on the verge of feeling like I didn’t know who I was anymore.

His words that day pushed me over the edge, right into an identity crisis. And I let him get away with it because I’d been emotionally lazy and didn’t know or understand myself.

I only came through the other side of the crisis when he was no longer in my life, chipping away at my self-image.

Thank God, I know who I am in Christ because of my Saviour’s love and grace.

You can overcome I don’t even know who I am anymore and get to know yourself well. When you do—when you rediscover your identity in Christ—you rebuild your self-image on a bedrock of confidence and love.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)

Before you go, get your FREE printable download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

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