I Want to Be Loved the Way I Love: How to Feel Spectacular Again

Inside: “I want to be loved the way I love!” It’s the cry of your heart. Here’s how to get the love you want—without pulling anyone else’s strings—and feel amazing again.

I stared at the pros and cons list in front of me, searching my mind for anything I’d forgotten. Then I jotted down one more note and sat back, finally finished.

Getting everything out of my head made me feel better. This surprised me because I already knew I wouldn’t actually do anything with my list.

Sure, a clear decision stared back at me from the list but I didn’t have the courage to make it or to follow through.

My eyes skated over the list one last time without lingering on any one item. I couldn’t take reliving the discomfort I’d just put myself through making the darn thing in the first place.

Still, I couldn’t miss one fact: the con side of the list was heavy with my unhappiness. Meanwhile, the pro side was light with my waning hope.

In an instant, a sliver of resentment pierced my heart. I shouldn’t even have to make this confounded list. I wouldn’t need it if my boyfriend would just love me as I was. Then everything would be fine again.

I glanced at my list one last time and thought, “I want to be loved the way I love. Why can’t he give me that?”

If only.

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I Want to Be Loved the Way I Love…Why Is It So Hard?

This was the 60 million dollar question I wrestled with. I kept trying to become a better woman, doing all the things he told me I should be doing. And still, nothing I did was good enough for my boyfriend.

Plus, as much as I wanted to improve myself for him, I missed the old me—the one I never wanted to give up in the first place. In truth. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. But I knew one thing for sure—I didn’t like who I was becoming.

I used to be happy, with healthy self-esteem and solid self-confidence. But I’d become tense and on edge, uncomfortable in my own skin.

You see, the man I loved kept hurting me emotionally. He’d nitpicked at every little thing in my character until my self-esteem and self-confidence were in tatters.

But I loved him. I’d invested all I had and all I was into our relationship and couldn’t imagine my life without it.

So I kept trying to be the woman he wanted me to be. Meanwhile, I secretly wished he would love me the way I loved him—wholeheartedly.

The thing was, even as he hurt my feelings almost daily, he claimed to love me. He said I wanted his love and approval too much, so he withheld them to help me improve myself. He appointed himself my personal Negative Nelly.

I can see his cruelty now. But back then, all I could think was, “I just want to be loved the way I love. What about me makes it so hard for him to do?”

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But First, a Warning

Now, you’re here because you want to be loved the way you love—with your whole heart and soul. But you don’t know how to get what you want.

Maybe you’re in the same boat I was, where your man is nitpicking your faults to the point of legit misery and trying to change you to suit him. Meanwhile, the only thing you want to change in him is his inability to love you as you are, the way you love him.

Maybe you wish he would take a page from your book. For example, the way you accept his faults and annoying habits because you love the good things about him more than you dislike the bad things.

You want to be loved the way you love, but you aren’t. And every day, the wounds in your soul bleed a little more as you sink further into feeling unworthy and inadequate.

Girl, I know you because I was you. For 10 whole years.

So hear me when I say this. If you’re desperate to be loved the way you love but your man is giving you excuses for why he can’t love you as you are, the truth is, you’ll never be good enough for him.

He’ll always find something you need to fix about yourself if you want him to love you the way you want to be loved.

He’s looking for perfection in order to love you the way you love him. But you’ll never be perfect.

It’s impossible.

Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins.
Ecclesiastes 7:20 (NLT)

And if your relationship is toxic, it’s really not about you or your flaws anyway. It’s about him wanting to control you. And you’re letting him do it because you’re starving for his unconditional love.

The bottom line: You’re yearning for what you’ll never have, from him or anyone else.

You’re looking for the love you want in the wrong place.

The Instant Pep-Talk Pack download — Get your FREE printable download to help get your confidence back—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack.

The Surprising Truth about Wanting to Be Loved the Way You Love

You may have noticed something by now when you want to be loved the way you love.

When you yearn for others’ unconditional love and acceptance, you end up with shattered self-esteem and broken self-confidence.

But here’s the truth.

You don’t need another person’s unconditional love. And you certainly don’t need anyone to accept you as you are.

You’ve tricked yourself into thinking you need them to love you because you want them so badly.

And here’s another truth.

You won’t die without unconditional love and acceptance in your relationships. The only thing making you miserable right now is a belief that when you love someone, they should love you the way you want to be loved in return.

Sure, it feels good when someone loves you the way you love them. But you can spare yourself a whole boatload of unnecessary suffering if you let go of believing you need someone to love you the way you love them.

Because you don’t.

I Want to Be Loved the Way I Love—Where to Find It

There’s an irony in this whole situation: You’re already loved the way you want and need, but you don’t even know it.

From God.

As great as you think your love is, He loves you infinitely more and better.God’s love for you is perfect because He sees you through His lens of grace because of who you are in Christ.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!
Psalm 139:17-18a (NLT)

“Yeah, yeah, Kris,” you say, rolling your eyes. “God loves me, yadda yadda.”

I get how underwhelming God’s love can seem when it’s your man’s love you’re after. But you may not grasp the amazing wonder of God’s love for you because you don’t understand how and what God thinks of you.

Maybe you never have.

You may also not grasp God’s love for you because you’re measuring it by your experience of how people love you and how you love others. But the truth is, even your mother’s love—if you have a good one—doesn’t come close to God’s love for you.

When you begin to grasp God’s specific and personal love for you, you’ll feel it like a healing balm on the wounds puncturing your soul.

It won’t matter who else doesn’t love you, because nothing will be able to shake you from the security of God’s love for you.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack. It has 8 Scripture cards to help boost your confidence and ramp up your courage.

Don’t Miss This Must

“I want to be loved the way I love,” you say, wishing your man would get his act together.

But how are you doing with loving yourself?

You’re confused about why you’re not good enough for him. But do you believe you’re good enough for him?

Don’t dismiss this question with a quick, “Of course!” You’re actions and desperation to be loved the way you love may say different.

So grab your journal and dig up the truth hiding in your brain. You can use these prompts to start.

Do you believe you love yourself? Why or why not?
Do your actions love for yourself? If so, how?
Do you believe you’re a good woman? Why or why not?
How do your actions support your belief that you’re a good woman or your belief that you’re not?
How would your life be different if you loved yourself the way you want to be loved?
If you love yourself and believe you’re already good enough, why do you need him to do the same? List all your reasons without using the words “should” or “supposed to.”
If you don’t love yourself and believe you’re not good enough, why should he love you and believe that you are? List all your reasons.

Just like loving someone else means doing what’s best for them, loving yourself means doing what’s best for you.

Even when it’s hard.

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I Want to Be Loved the Way I Love…and I Am!

I thought my pros and cons list was useless because I didn’t have the courage to leave my emotionally abusive ex. But in truth, it was useless because I was already loved the way I wanted my man to love me.

God loved me more than I could have imagined possible. He showed me this truth when He showed me the misery of staying with a man whose love I could never earn. Then He extended His hand to me, and I let Him pull me out of that unhealthy relationship and into His loving bosom.

You can have the same.

You don’t have to keep wishing to be loved the way you love. When you open yourself to God’s unwavering love, and when you love yourself the way you want to be loved, you won’t need it from anyone else.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
Psalm 139:14 (NLT)

You’ll get your self-esteem and self-confidence back. And everyone else’s love will be gravy instead of meat and potatoes for you.

Before you go, get your FREE printable download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

I Want to Be Loved the Way I Love: How to Make Yourself Feel Spectacular