Toxic Relationship Test: 7 Unusual Ways to See If Yours Is Unhealthy
Inside: If you’re struggling in a relationship, use this toxic relationship test to spot the warning signs, so you can stop ignoring the truth your gut is trying to tell you.
It got so I had to self-talk my way out of flinching every time he reached for me.
By then, I was so emotionally beaten down in our relationship that I felt nauseous even thinking about his touch anywhere near my body.
I went to bed early and was well into faking knockout-level sleep by the time he came to bed. I made it a habit to sleep on the edge of the mattress, trying to look relaxed, like I hadn’t rolled there on purpose. And in the mornings, I snuck out of bed before daybreak so I was nowhere to be found if he woke up feeling frisky.
Still, during our waking time together, I tried to act like everything was great and warning signals weren’t going off all around me.
Because so many red flags, right? I should have known the relationship was no good.
But when you’ve invested years of your time and emotional energy, plus sacrificed your self-esteem and self-worth…
Well, it’s pretty easy to miss warning signs that your relationship is toxic.
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But First, What Is a Toxic Relationship?
Before we dive into our toxic relationship test scenarios, let’s get on the same page by defining a toxic relationship.
Your most challenging relationship doesn’t have to be with your husband or boyfriend like mine was. It could be with a friend or family member, or maybe even someone at work. But if you mostly feel deep, persistent unhappiness in the relationship, it might be toxic.
To be fair, a relationship can be difficult without being toxic. Think about your annoying co-worker or your irritating sibling. Sure, you argue over differences of opinion, but their aggravating ways don’t hurt you. And you don’t leave every encounter feeling like you have a new knife in your back and a fresh wound in your soul because of something they said or did.
On the other hand, a toxic relationship harms you—emotionally or physically.
Don’t be fooled: You don’t have to be physically abused to be in a toxic relationship. Emotional abuse counts just as much when you’re doing your toxic relationship test.
In my case, my boyfriend conditioned me to believe I was not good enough for him and to always feel unworthy. He was a master at turning everything around on me, I always felt like nothing I did was good enough.
He manipulated my self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence right out of me until I was a husk of a woman. And the whole time he was emotionally abusing me, I didn’t know it was happening.
So don’t discount these types of red flags as you do your toxic relationship test.
How to Prepare for Your Toxic Relationship Test
Before diving into the 7 toxic relationship test scenarios, you need to do 2 things, especially as a Christian woman. They’ll help you get into the right head and heart spaces as you determine whether or not you’re in a healthy relationship.
First, pray before diving into the scenarios.
If you’re like I was, you have an emotional defense mechanism in place to help keep you in the habit of ignoring the truth about your possibly toxic partner. So pray for God to give you eyes to see the truth and pray down your fear of facing and dealing with it.
Second, take your time with each scenario.
You don’t need to rush so don’t skim over the questions. Do yourself and your heart a favor by being raw and honest with yourself as you contemplate each one.
Remember, ignoring or denying something doesn’t make it any less true. But facing it gives you the power to decide how you want to move forward.
OK! Now you’re ready, so let’s dive in.
Toxic Relationship Test: 7 Unusual Red Flags
Think about the person you’re struggling with. Keep them front and center in your mind as you run through this toxic relationship test.
The first 5 of the 7 scenarios in the toxic relationship test below deal with you being in the physical presence of the other person. If you’re avoiding someone, it’s because you don’t feel safe or comfortable in their presence, whether it’s emotionally or physically.
For the last few years of our relationship, I was happiest when I was able to avoid being in my ex’s presence. I didn’t feel good when I was around him, even when he didn’t tear me down.
You see, he’d criticized and belittled me so much that I always felt tense around him, hoping nothing would set him off on a new mission of ripping apart my character.
This is why your desire—or lack of it—to be around them is a big indicator of the health of your relationship.
Any one of these scenarios on its own doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is toxic. It may simply mean you love him but don’t need him, which is fine and healthy. Or it may mean you need some alone time.
But taken together, they may mean your relationship isn’t healthy.
Toxic Relationship Test 1—Quality Time
You have an unexpected, unplanned early afternoon off from work. No one knows about it except you.
You have 2 options on how to spend this time—alone or with your partner. No one else will ever know about your choice.
Do you choose to spend your unexpected free time alone or with your partner? If you choose to spend it alone, do you tell them about it or do you keep it a secret?
Now, you may be an introvert who prefers spending your free time alone, or maybe your love language isn’t quality time. If so, then your answer will apply to everyone in your life, and not only to this specific person.
Also, you wouldn’t need to keep your unexpected free time a secret from them.
Toxic Relationship Test 2—Short Time Apart
Your boss tells you you’re attending an out-of-town conference for a few days. It means you’ll be away from home for the whole time, with minimal contact.
Do you feel relieved when you spend time apart? And do you pretend to be sad about not being together?
If you’re:
- Happy to get a break from your partner
- Already working on plausible excuses why staying in touch while you’re away will be next to impossible
- Doing a happy dance on the inside while trying to look bummed on the outside
Then your relationship may be unhealthy.
Toxic Relationship Test 3—Longer Times Together
The holiday weekend is coming and you’ll be together for 4 solid days with no breaks.
Is your main emotion dread when you think about spending this extended, unbroken time with your partner?
Dread is more than you being apprehensive. It means you have a low-level, persistent fear about how this will turn out.
As a result, you give yourself a warning talk about what to not say or do. This is your way of doing what you can to keep your partner’s anger, scorn, or other negative attention off you.
Related: How to Deal with a Negative Nelly: Empower Yourself with 10 Uplifting Verses
Toxic Relationship Test 4—Your Dream Vacation
Your annual vacation just got approved. Two weeks of relaxation and rejuvenation, coming right up.
Imagine you can go wherever you want, and you can do whatever you want when you get there. Vacation bliss is within your grasp.
Is your partner with you on your dream vacation?
If the shine fades and dread creeps in when you think of them being with you there, you may need to take a second look at the health of your relationship.
Toxic Relationship Test 5—Your Everyday Lives
You don’t have to imagine this one. It’s not hypothetical like the previous 4 questions.
You’re here because you’ve had negative feelings towards your partner for a while now. It may be simmering resentment, deep-seated anger, or maybe you straight-up don’t like your partner anymore.
Do you hide your negative feelings about your partner from them?
If, like I did, you’ve taken countless emotional hits from your partner, you’ve learned to keep your unhappiness and hurt to yourself.
Even if you choke on the words, you know it’s what’s best for your fragile heart, destroyed ego, and decimated self-worth.
Toxic Relationship Test 6—Your Fantasies
It’s normal to not want to be around someone sometimes, especially when they get on your nerves.
But do you sometimes find yourself lost in a fantasy where they’re dead or somehow magically and permanently missing from your life?
You may be afraid to even admit this one to yourself because it sounds kinda bad, right? Well, please ditch the judgment and tell yourself the truth.
Remember, we’re keeping it 100% real so you can figure out if your relationship is healthy. Besides, you and God are the only ones who’ll know your answer.
Toxic Relationship Test 7—Your Secrets
Of course, nobody shares their every thought with another person. It’s impossible, and sometimes unwise.
Wise people treasure knowledge, but the babbling of a fool invites disaster.
Proverbs 10:14 (NLT)
But beyond wisdom and impossibility, do you tend to hide your true thoughts from your partner on purpose so you don’t bring his anger or disgust down on your head?
I’m talking about the thoughts you guard behind a wall you’ve built to protect your tender heart. Like the stuff you’ve written about them in your password-protected secret journal.
When you feel the need to protect your heart and thoughts from them, your relationship may not be healthy.
5 Steps to Take After the Test
If you went through all 7 scenarios in the toxic relationship test and decided that your relationship is difficult but not toxic, then you’re good. The solution to your problem may be as simple as you and your partner working on your communication skills.
But if you’ve seen the light—or in this case, the red flags—and now realize you’re in a toxic relationship, let’s pause for a moment.
Process it, let it sink in, and feel it.
Feel the shock of knowing you’re in a relationship that’s harming you. Feel the horror of you—a strong, capable, independent woman—falling asleep and somehow waking up as one half of an abusive relationship. Embrace the confusion of wondering how on earth you got here.
Feel all of these emotions but do not feel ashamed. You’re not the abuser here and you don’t have a single darn thing to be ashamed of.
Instead, feel relief at finally acknowledging the truth of what’s happening in your life. Then take a deep breath because you have a little more work to do.
It’s time to plan how you’re going to detox your life.
1. Visualize Your Life without the Toxic Relationship
Close your eyes and imagine your life tomorrow, then next month, then next year without your toxic partner in it. Imagine how you’d feel.
As you think about this, remember one thing. God may allow trials in your life to test and grow you into the woman He created you to be. But no one wants better for you than He does.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)
Remember this as you write down every emotion you feel when you think about your life without your abuser in it.
2. Visualize Your Life Unchanged
Close your eyes again and think about yourself 5 years from now, still in a relationship with your toxic partner. Imagine how you’d feel.
Will you still be hiding the negative feelings corroding you from the inside out from them? Will you still be sneaking away for stolen secret times free from their controlling behavior? And will you still be drowning in dread over every vacation, long weekend, or date night?
Write down every emotion you feel when you think about your future with your abuser still in it.
3. Choose Your Future on Purpose
People can change—it’s undeniable. So your toxic partner may change, maybe through relationship counseling, or mediation.
But if you’ve already tried everything you can to restore your toxic relationship to health, then it’s time for you to choose.
With your eyes wide open, choose.
Choose the future you want for yourself. It will either be the one where you and your toxic partner are still in a relationship or it will be the one where you’re not.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 6 (ESV)
Failing to choose is still a choice, so choose.
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win back your peace when it’s everything is always your fault.
4. Plan For Your Healthy, Happy Future
Ending a toxic relationship isn’t always easy. This is why, once you’re ready to choose a future where you’ve gotten your self-esteem and self-worth back and you have all the good feels, you’ll need a plan.
How will you take the first step toward making your vision for your happy future real? What do you need to do to bring it to life? What kind of support will you need? Write a big list of everything you can think of.
After you write your list, review each task or step, and write down all the emotions you feel when you let yourself think about doing it.
Are you scared, apprehensive, hopeful? Write them all down, then add more notes about why you’re feeling each emotion.
For example, you may write, “I’m scared because I’ve invested so much of my life into this relationship. And even though it’s bad for me, I know I’ll be uncomfortable breaking out of it.”
Getting it all out will help prepare you emotionally for what you need to do.
5. Pray about Ending Your Toxic Relationship
The fear you feel when you think about putting your plan into action is normal. Still, you don’t have to let it take centerstage.
First, remember:
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)
Your fear is not of God, which means it doesn’t belong anywhere near you. So tell it to get behind you.
Second, you’re not alone. If you’ve confessed Christ as your Saviour, then the Holy Spirit is waiting for you to ask Him for what you need. Jesus said so.
And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever—The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you.
John 14:16-17 (AMPC)
Pray for the Holy Spirit to strengthen your determination to carry out your decision to detox your life, and for courage as you do so.
Get Ready for Your Healthy, Detoxed Life
I slept hugging the edge of the bed for way too long. And for longer than I care to remember, I faked like we had the perfect relationship while I ignored the obvious warning signs of my toxic relationship.
I did it because I didn’t want to throw away the years of my life I’d invested in the relationship. Plus, my toxic, abusive ex had convinced me I couldn’t do better than him, and leaving him felt scary.
But the best day of my life was when God gave me the opportunity to stop lying to myself, see my relationship for the toxic mess it was, and say, “No more!”
As for you, you don’t have to keep investing your precious time and emotional energy in a relationship—marriage, dating relationship, or otherwise—that makes you feel worse than the gunk on the bottom of your dirtiest shoe.
God doesn’t desire unhealthy, toxic relationships for you, His daughter. You deserve better.
You deserve to have healthy relationships in every single area of your life. But it’s up to you to choose them.
Before you go, get your FREE printable download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.
Inspiring ! once again. What hit me more than anything from this whas when you said fear is not from God. rebuke it !
That hit me like a on of bricks, and I will now rebuke it every time I recognise it in myself.
Just to say the reference to this is 2nd Timoth 1:7
Marja, first, isn’t it the truth that we often get caught up in our fear and forget that it’s not of God? Been there too many times to count. Second, thanks for the correction 🙂 I appreciate you.
Kris….thank you. Yes, that fear factor is real and has kept me in bondage for a long time. My marriage is toxic indeed. What happens when you choose to be alone, but your spouse is not willing to “see” ……. what happens when you feel trapped?
Ah, Carolin, tough spot. But in my experience, when you feel trapped, you pray for God’s deliverance, and grab the opportunity when He presents you with the choice. It always boils down to you choosing, because He’ll never force you.
What about if your married to that person you want away from. What if red flags before marriage were being looked at as attacks from the enemy instead of seeing them as red flags and the marriage still goes down hill and you still see red flags that you no longer see as attacks but legit red flags? I need help!
Don’t beat yourself up for missing the red flags; you’re not alone. All of us who fall into toxic relationships tend to miss or ignore the red flags that are almost always there in the beginning. The important thing is what you do now because every day—every minute—is a chance for you to make a new decision. That can be a decision to change your thoughts or to change your circumstances. Either way, the next move is always yours, my darling ?
But the Bible says that you should not get divorced if it’s not because of adultery. I don’t believe that God wants you to be in an abusive relationship either. So what do you do in a case like that? Get a legal separation?
This is a very personal decision, Kathy, and it’s one that you should prayerfully make with God’s guidance. His word says that He has good plans for His children, so get with Him and decide if the situation you’re in is His good plan for you.