How to Be a Better Woman: 3 Surprising Secrets You Need to Know

Inside: Have you been striving without ceasing or success to become a better woman? Discover what you’ve been doing wrong plus the 3 unexpected secret ingredients for how to be a better woman.

He psychoanalyzed me almost unto death, picking apart every word out of my mouth and every action I took the whole time whole time we were together. After years of it, he almost had me convinced there was hardly a sliver of good in me.

For him, I did everything I could think of—and just about everything he thought of—to become a better woman. But it was never enough. Just when I thought I’d plugged one hole in what he had me believing was my defective personality, he’d yank open another one I didn’t even know was there.

Without fail, he would rub my nose in a new character flaw and I was back to square one, reading books and taking online courses about how to be a better woman for my man. I had quotes about how to become a be woman in a relationship stuck everywhere. A few times, I even got counseling for the latest problem he diagnosed me as having. All so I could the better woman he wanted to mold me into.

He had me striving without ceasing to be better, and it never worked. By the time the relationship chewed me up and spat me out, I was wondering if maybe it was just beyond me to be a better woman.

The answer was no. But I didn’t know then about the 3 secret ingredients for how to be a better woman.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack. It has 8 Scripture cards to help boost your confidence and ramp up your courage.

How to Be a Better Woman in a Relationship

Have you been there too? Doing everything in your power to be a better woman so you can measure up to your man’s—or someone else’s—standards?

If you have, you’re probably running on emotional fumes from being on guard all the time, trying not to mess up. Because you know if you slip, the person demanding you get your act together and figure out how to be a better woman will overwhelm you with a new flood of criticism about your intolerable character flaws.

If you’re like I was, you’ve been trying really hard for a really long time to become a better woman just so you can keep the peace in your relationship. It probably feels like you spend every waking moment thinking about new ways to learn how to become a better woman so you can finally fix yourself. By now, your whole self-improvement program is probably a fuzzy mess and you’ve lost track of what you’re supposed to be fixing and why.

So before I give you the 3 secret ingredients for how to be a better woman, I’m giving you some questions to help you get clear about why you even want to be a better woman in the first place.

But First, a Few Necessary Questions

I know you may be tempted to skip these questions and jump right into the 3 secrets you’ve been missing for how to be a better woman.

But when you answer these essential questions first, you set yourself up to squeeze all the juice out of the 3 secrets coming at you later on. So please don’t skip these.

You can journal your answers to these questions, or you can contemplate them in the privacy of your mind. Either way, use them to excavate some hidden truths that may be sabotaging you as you try to be a better woman.

1. Who are you trying to be a better woman for?

For whom exactly are you trying to become a better woman? Yourself? Someone else?

Be specific and name all the people who are the reason for your efforts. If your answer is, “So and so is a great role model and makes me want to be a better woman,” then think harder. You’re not looking for the people who inspire you to greatness. Instead, you’re looking for the ones who shame you into self-improvement by picking at every fault they see in you.

2. Why are you trying to become a better woman?

For an easier life? To keep the peace in a relationship? To head off him breaking up with you?

If your answer is along the lines of, “Because I should always try to become a better woman,” then dig deeper. Because you’re not at the real reason yet.

3. What does a better woman look like for you?

If you’re having trouble answering this question, start by closing your eyes and picturing yourself as a better woman. Then ask yourself: what makes her better than you? What are her character traits? And how does she make you feel? Excited? Hopeful? Inadequate? Why?

4. Whose vision of better are you striving for?

Whose version of the better you did you describe in the previous question?

Did your description of this hypothetical better you come from the bottom of your heart after genuine self-reflection? Did you talk about the woman you’ve always wanted to be? Or did you recreate the picture of who someone else says you should be?

5. How long have you been trying to become a better woman?

And how much longer until you get there?

This one may be a little challenging to pin down. But you have to get clear about the length of your journey because endless striving is insidious. It starts out innocently enough, with one little thing to fix. Then over time, it can dominate your whole life.

So first, nail down as accurately as you can, even down to the year, when you started trying to become a better woman. Then picture the better you again—the one from question 3—and estimate when you expect to be her.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack. It has 8 Scripture cards to help boost your confidence and ramp up your courage.

6. How’s trying to be a better woman working out for you?

What lasting changes have you noticed in yourself? Get really clear about the results of your efforts so far.

Don’t count fake changes—the ones you keep forgetting to show, or the ones you have to pretend to be. Skip counting the changes the person from question 1 is still on your back about.

Count only real changes—the ones that have become a part of you, the ones you’d include by instinct if someone asked you to describe yourself, the ones ingrained in how you live.

This includes the new things you do that the person who sparked your striving to be a better woman seems on cloud 9 about.

7. What do you believe about yourself?

Get clear on the truth about what you think of yourself.

Your man—or someone else—may have you feeling all kinds of inadequate because of everything they’ve decided is wrong with you. They may live in your head, a constant litany of nitpicking over something new or old. Silence them and dig deep.

How do you feel about yourself and the work you’ve done to become a better woman? If you could stop striving to be better this second, would you? Why?

8. Who does God say you are?

It’s time to get clear about your Creator’s position. You see, God’s word has a lot to say about you, like this.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14 (ESV)

And like this:

You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
Isaiah 62:3 (ESV)

And like what Jesus said:

I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you.
John 15:1, 3 (NLT)

You can even go all the way back to the beginning:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27 (ESV)

What a beautiful picture of what God thinks about you!

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9. What does God’s word say about trying to change?

You’re about to learn a powerful truth you’ve been missing all this time, trying to figure out how to become a better woman. Fair warning, this truth will put a whole new light on your striving.

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity, a striving after the wind and a feeding on wind. What is crooked cannot be made straight, and what is defective and lacking cannot be counted.
Ecclesiastes 1:14-15 (AMPC)

Yup, this verse says your self-improvement plan is a bust and it’s impossible for you to change yourself.

Turns out, your striving to be better a better has all been for nothing.

3 Secrets for How to Become a Better Woman

Bummer, huh?

Well, it depends on how you look at it.

Sure, you can choose to feel bummed about all the lost time and wasted emotional effort you put into becoming a better woman. Time you’ll never get back, by the way. Not to mention all the crap you’ve had to put up with while you’ve tried to become a better woman. Plus all the lies you’ve been duped into believing about yourself.

Or you can choose to let it all go—all the pointless trying—and let relief come.

Exhale in heartfelt, long-overdue relief because you don’t have to do a darn thing more to start being the better woman others have been pressuring you to be.

Even so, God still expects improvement from you.

So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others.
2 Peter 1:5-7 (MSG)

But wait, doesn’t this mean you should keep striving?

Ahhh…now you’re ready for the 3 secrets.

1. Becoming a better woman isn’t about you.

It sounds strange, I know, but real, lasting change doesn’t come from trying to please anyone who isn’t God. Not even yourself.

Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won’t be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple.
2 Timothy 2:15 (MSG)

On top of this, if you want your changes to stick, your efforts to become a better woman shouldn’t mainly be about you. Instead, it should be about who you can inspire for God’s glory.

In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.
Matthew 5:16 (NLT)

2. Only one Source can help you be a better woman.

As a Christian woman, true, lasting change into being a better woman will only come for you with:

Total submission to God.
Total dependence on the Holy Spirit for deliverance through Jesus’ shed blood.

Here’s what God’s word says:

But—When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he made us right in his sight and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.
Titus 3:4-7 (NLT)

It’s a mouthful but here’s what this passage is saying in a nutshell: You’re never going to be a better woman without God.

3. Your part in becoming a better woman.

Even so, you do have a part to play in getting to the God-approved better version of yourself:

With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.
2 Peter 1:8-9 (MSG)

Another mouthful, so let’s break it down: After you abandon yourself to God’s transforming power, you then have a responsibility to grow in your knowledge of Jesus. How? By constantly being in the Word.

A Better Way to Become a Better Woman

I wish I’d known the truth back when I was searching for how to be a better woman. I wouldn’t have let a man who didn’t appreciate me get away with psychoanalyzing me almost to death. And I sure wouldn’t have frustrated myself and lost my confidence, peace, and self-worth trying and failing to be a better woman for him.

But you don’t have to waste more time and emotional energy killing yourself to become a better woman—trying with all your might and falling flat on your face every time. Now have in your hands the secrets for how to become a better woman:

Change your motives. It’s not about gaining the approval of the person who thinks you need to change, or even feeling good about yourself. It’s about pleasing God and inspiring others for His glory.
Change your power source. All the self-improvement courses, books, and counseling in the world won’t help you if you’re not building a better you on the foundation of who God says you are.
Change your process. When you get active and intentional about getting to know Jesus more and more, you’ll find yourself growing into an even better woman than you already are.

If you apply these 3 secrets, you won’t recognize yourself this time next year, or the year after, or the next year after that. And neither will anyone else.

I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed.
Ezekiel 36:26 (MSG)

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3 Surprising Secrets You Need to Know for How to Be a Better Woman