I Don’t Like Who I’m Becoming: How to Improve Yourself and Your Life

Inside: “I don’t like who I’m becoming.” Good job recognizing it! Now, discover what to do about it so you never have to go there again.

My smile froze on my face as my laughter died in my throat. I choked it out anyway, hoping I’d fooled my dinner companion.

But the internal hemorrhaging from the knife lodged in my heart felt fatal, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the rest of the meal. As I glanced down at the beautiful dessert in front of me, I wondered how I’d lift it to my mouth, much less force it down my throat.

I looked up again at my friend, now smiling with compassion at me from across the table. Faced with her kindness and empathy, my frozen smile melted off my face.

“You’re right,” I murmured, running a defeated hand across my forehead and down the side of my face.

I had to face the facts: I didn’t like who I was becoming. I couldn’t stand the woman I’d become. And as a result, I’d lost every shred of respect for myself.

I Don’t Like Who I Am Anymore: Facing the Woman in the Mirror

This unforgettable conversation happened over dinner with a high school friend I hadn’t seen in years.

I’d just gotten done pouring out my heartbreak and confusion about how my life felt like it had gone off the rails. I was miserable at work, miserable in my toxic relationship, and miserably wondering why God didn’t just answer my prayers already to abracadabra some long overdue joy and happiness into my life.

Even as I word vomited all over my friend, I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I’d achieved all they’d said should make me happy. But instead, I was slowly being dragged down into a swamp of misery from which I had no clue how to escape.

After quietly listening to my lament, my friend’s life-changing words came with gentle bewilderment in her voice.

“The girl I knew back in high school used to be bold and confident.”

My first reaction was to laugh. Then the rest of her unspoken statement registered in my brain: “When did you become this broken shadow of your former self?”

As I got ready for bed later that night, I wondered the same thing. When had I become this weak, timid, fear-riddled woman?

Finally, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and faced the truth.

Somewhere along the way, I’d lost track of myself. By the time my friend called me out on it, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. But whoever I was, I didn’t like myself one bit. And I didn’t want to be this woman anymore.

What to Do If I Don’t Like Who I Am

As much as my friend’s question caused me pain, I’m glad she delivered that life-changing wound. To this day, I’m still grateful to her for it. Because without her gentle curiosity and honesty, I’d probably still have my head buried in the sand, never admitting I don’t like who I’m becoming and drowning in unhappiness because of it.

Owning up to this truth was my first step towards healing, and it was the beginning of the journey to liking myself again.

The pain goes deep when you realize you don’t like yourself. So however you came to recognize you don’t like the person you’ve become—whether because of a question from a friend or because you woke up one morning and didn’t like who you saw in the mirror—I’m proud of you for taking this first step.

Now, for a wound to heal well, you need to clean and treat it. The process can be painful but the wound will fester and get worse without this critical step.

So let’s start cleaning it out by understanding how you got on the road to not liking who you’re becoming.

Writing your thoughts can make processing them easier and bring clarity to what may be a tangled mess in your mind. This is why I suggest journaling through these questions.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Instant Pep-Talk Pack. Its 8 Scripture cards will help you become a new woman who you like and even fall in love with!

Journal 1: I don’t like who I’m becoming, but who’s she exactly?

When you say, “I don’t like who I’m becoming,” get precise with who you’re talking about. Be brutally honest and don’t be afraid to face yourself, just as you are right now. No matter how hard it is or how much you don’t like who you are.

You see, if you don’t know what you don’t like about yourself, you can’t fix it. Plus, you won’t know where you need to start on your campaign of changing yourself from someone you don’t like. Also, when you develop a habit of self-awareness, you decrease your chances of not liking yourself all over again at some point down the road.

First, start by writing the traits you’ve noticed in yourself that you don’t like. For example, if I’d been self-aware enough to do this years ago when I started feeling miserable in my life, I’d have written, “I don’t like who I’m becoming because all I can see is a weak, timid, fear-riddled woman.”

Related: 31 Journaling Prompts When You Need To Know, “Who Am I?”

Then write what makes you believe this is who you’re becoming. What’s the evidence for it in your life? How do you see these qualities reflected in what you say and do, or what you don’t say and do?

Using myself as an example, if I’d given myself the gift of self-awareness a few years ago, I’d have written, “I’m always afraid of upsetting my boyfriend because I feel like I’m not good enough for him, and I’m afraid he’ll stop loving me. So I bite my tongue, let him turn everything around on me, and wallow in feeling unappreciated and victimized. Then I stew about it because it’s not fair but I can’t say anything for fear we’ll end up in a days-long conflict.”

Journal 2: I don’t like the person I’ve become. How did it happen?

Now, write how you believe you started changing into this person you don’t like. What events occurred in your life to set you on this path?

Looking closely at the “how” helps you see where along the way your thinking and your actions changed to start transforming you into a person you don’t like. This will help you stay alert for such changes if they arise again in the future.

Start with thinking about how the relationships in your life have influenced or are influencing you to become someone you don’t like. How have they shaped or scarred you, directly or indirectly? In what ways have they helped form the standards by which you now run your life?

Back to my example, I’d have said, “I’ve put what my boyfriend says and thinks about me above what I say and think about myself. I’ve given away my power to him and in return, my boyfriend keeps hurting me emotionally. He’s become my Negative Nelly and I’ve made myself his favorite victim. And now the result of handing over my identity to him is, I don’t like the person I’ve become.”

Journal 3: I don’t like who I’ve become, but what else am I feeling?

Now, look back over what you’ve written and journal out your feelings about the whole situation. What emotions come up as you review who you’re becoming and how you started becoming her?

As you journal remember: an emotion is one word. So, “I feel like crap,” isn’t a feeling but devastated, sad, and embarrassed are. Similarly, “I don’t like who I’m becoming,” isn’t a feeling, but distressed, anxious, and shaken are.

For example, as I faced myself in the mirror after dinner with my friend on that fateful night and realized I didn’t like who I was becoming, my emotions were a mixed bag. I was scared, confused, resentful, hurt, angry, and ashamed. 

So go ahead and pour out all your emotions without censoring or judging yourself. It’s the final step in cleaning out the wound. If you don’t do it, you’ll inhibit your thoughts and sabotage your efforts to heal yourself from not liking who you’re becoming.

But First, Know This

Whew! The most painful part is over. You gathered your courage, faced who you’re becoming, and pinpointed what you don’t like about yourself these days.

Are you ready for some hope-filled truth?

Even though you don’t like yourself right now, and even though you may be disappointed in yourself, God loves you.

Without changing a thing about yourself—yes, even without putting a halt to doing whatever’s making you become a person you don’t like—you’re already whole and complete in God’s eyes.

Isn’t it wild?

Related: A Simple, Complete Guide for How to Know Who You Are in Christ

Here’s the thing. Just about no one in this world loves you unconditionally. It’s nice to think they do but the truth is, they don’t. Even if they don’t recognize or acknowledge it, they love you to a point beyond which their love becomes questionable.

Don’t get too teed off about this though. If you’re honest with yourself, you don’t even love yourself unconditionally. If you did, you have sacrificed your identity at the altar of whatever caused you to end up in the boat of not liking who you are. And you wouldn’t be low-key hating yourself right now because of who you’re becoming.

But! Unlike humans, nothing you do or say can influence God’s love for you. Nothing.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8 (ESV)

God won’t love you more when you get your act together and He doesn’t love you less now while you’re feeling unworthy. No matter the state of your life or heart, His love for you is always perfect.

The One Who Loves Me Even Though I Don’t Like Who I Am

The truth is, you’re worth loving right now, just as you are, because God loves you right now, just as you are.

This is true no matter what anyone else thinks, and no matter what your fickle feelings say.

God is the ultimate authority on your loveability, and He says you’re worth loving. So love yourself just as you are, even before you start changing yourself.

Related: Self-Love Bible Study: How to Love Yourself in Truth

How Do I Change When I Don’t Like Who I’m Becoming?

The truth of God’s unconditional love for you—even if you never choose to change—is comforting, to be sure. Even so, you still don’t like who you’re becoming and you want to change, which is understandable.

You have to live with yourself one hundred percent of the time. And the person you are now is someone who makes you uncomfortable. You’re not the woman you want to be, a woman you respect and would be proud to call a friend.

Great news! You’re uncomfortable with this version of you—the one you don’t like—because she’s not who you are at your core.

You’ve simply lost track of who you are by training yourself to be the woman looking back at you now. And bless her, she’s gotten you here with the least amount of resistance, even though it’s been to your detriment as far as your identity goes.

But you don’t have to keep becoming someone you don’t like or respect. At any moment you want, you can make new decisions about who you want to be.

You’ve already used the journaling questions here to uncover the traits in this version of you who you don’t like, and the emotions you feel because of it.

Now, you can make a list of new, more likable traits you want to develop in yourself, starting with who you are in Christ. You can also come up with new thoughts you want to think about yourself and list the emotions you want to feel towards yourself.

Then practice thinking these new thoughts, feeling these new emotions, and giving yourself evidence of the new you by acting on the new traits you want to see in yourself.

Related: Who I Am Vs. Who I Want To Be: How To Journal A New You

A Word of Warning

Before you swan dive into ditching the version of yourself who you don’t like for the new you, you should know one thing.

You need courage when you’re changing who you’re being.

Because here’s the thing. You’ve trained people to expect you to be a certain way and they may not like it when you toss out your old script and start reading from a new one. You may even lose relationships over it.

Don’t make it mean anything more than what it is: they prefer a version of you who you know needs to go. It’s up to them if they want to weed themselves out of your life. And if you want to stop being someone you don’t like, you’ll need to be OK with letting them go.

If you’re struggling with this, remember: You have one life to live and you’re the one who’s accountable for it, not them.

So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Romans 14:12 (ESV)

But do you know what I say? Good riddance! You don’t need people in your life who encourage you to be—and accommodate you as—a person you don’t like. The ones who love you for real will be happy you’ve made the decision to become a better person.

Related: 9 Important But Forgotten Traits (Who I Am In Christ List)

You also need commitment when you’re changing who you’re being.

This is because it will feel hard sometimes. And when it does, your willpower won’t be enough to keep you going with your resolve to stop being a person you don’t like. But your commitment to yourself and your identity will.

A Resource for When You Don’t Like Who You’re Becoming

In my experience, when you don’t like who you are and you’re building your self-awareness muscles to become someone you like and respect, your best bet is to start with what God has to say.

This means you need to put God’s word to work to help you get clear on what God wants for you and how He sees you. As you use scripture to become more self-aware, you’ll get in touch with the true desires of your heart—including the woman you truly want to be.

This 21-Day Self-Awareness Devotional is your guide for going deep with yourself daily using God’s word as your map. Each day, it walks you through bible verses about self-awareness to help you take your personal and spiritual growth to the next level.

Get the Self-Awareness Devotional and use it to develop and grow an amazing new relationship with yourself.

I Don’t Like Who I’ve Become: Change It for Good

I’m grateful to my old high school friend for forcing me to see the truth: I’d let the circumstances I’d created in my life turn me into a woman I didn’t respect. When I faced myself in the bathroom mirror and told myself the truth—I didn’t like the woman staring back at me—I took the first step to start working with God on transforming myself into a whole new person. Someone I like, love, respect, and am proud of every single day.

You can do the same work with God on yourself. You can reclaim the woman you were before you stopped liking yourself, or you can create a whole new you. How exciting, right?

I imagine meeting my high school friend for dinner again one day. In my mind, I can see her staring at me wide-eyed while declaring, “I barely recognize you! You’re even bolder and more confident than you were in high school! What happened?”

And this time I’ll cry tears of joy as I pour out the story of my journey from I don’t like who I’m becoming to I love the woman God is transforming me into every single day!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)

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