How to Stop Pretending to Be Happy: 8 Fundamentals to Feel Better

Inside: Discover 8 foundational steps for how to stop pretending to be happy. Plus find out why you’re better off ditching your fake happiness.

I sighed with relief as the door swung shut behind my boyfriend. Then I held my breath and listened, praying he wouldn’t come back. As I heard the car pull away, I felt like the weight of the world was driving away with him.

I made a beeline for my bedroom, happy for the respite. The whole evening stretched ahead of me and I knew just how I wanted to spend it. I planned to suspend the reality of my life for a few hours by escaping into a book I’d bought for this very occasion.

I was exhausted but didn’t want to sleep. What I wanted was the chance to stop pretending to be happy for a few hours. Because it’s hard to pretend that everything is OK all the time.

I was pretending to be happy at work, in my relationship with my boyfriend, and in my relationship with God.

But while I was faking happiness, I was actually drowning in misery.

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Why Pretending to Be Happy Is Exhausting

Since you’re looking for advice on how to stop pretending to be happy, you know exactly where I was that night.

Maybe after years of blood, sweat, and tears, you have everything you’re supposed to want. Your life looks amazing but feels awful. Instead of being happy like you’re supposed to you’re dissatisfied and wondering what’s wrong with you.

But they say everything you’ve done and everything you have should make you feel happy. So maybe you should follow the gurus’ advice and fake it till you feel it, right?

Plus, if you keep pretending to be happy, maybe everyone will stay off your back while you figure out how to stop faking happiness. While you keep trying with everything you have to find happiness.

But here’s the problem with this approach. Pretending to be happy is hard and utterly exhausting. It isn’t good for your mental health.

You see, when you’re faking your feelings you’re acting out of your integrity with yourself. This is an emotionally draining state for you to live in all the time. Besides which, you’re straight-up being dishonest with yourself and everyone else in your life.

Knowing all this, it makes total sense why you find pretending to be happy so hard.

How to stop pretending to be happy pin image

But First, Here’s the Truth

Before we talk about how to stop pretending to be happy, let’s tackle 2 myths tripping you up right now.

Myth #1: Happiness Comes When Life Is Perfect

Like most people, you may believe it’s not possible to be happy unless your life is perfect.

Maybe you think a happy life is a problem-free life. Or maybe you think the solution for how to stop pretending to be happy is for you to do or have this one magical thing that would make your life perfect.

The truth is, it’s all a lie. All of it.

Life goes in cycles—sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not so great.

There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven…a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 (CSB)

Even when life is good—when you have the one thing you know will make it all perfect—you’ll still have problems.

But here’s the good news: When you accept the truth of life’s cycles and seasons, you can choose to still be happy through it all.

You see, real happiness—true joy, not fake happiness—doesn’t depend on your circumstances. Instead, it comes from inside you.

I know how to make do with little, and I know how to make do with a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need.
Philippians 4:12 (CSB)

When you learn how to stop pretending to be happy, you’ll also learn how to be happy with yourself and find peace.

Myth #2: Happiness Should Be Easy

Like most people, you may also think happiness should come easy for you. Maybe you believe it’s supposed to flow naturally.

But being happy for real isn’t easy. Living in a daily state of real happiness requires you to master your mind so you can rise above your circumstances.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV)

Real talk, learning how to stop faking happiness and choosing a life of true happiness instead is hard work. But the returns are enormous—emotional growth and mastery, and peace with yourself.

But as hard as living in authentic happiness may be, it’s even harder to pretend that everything is OK. When you live like this, your entire life is one big, exhausting lie. And there’s no positive payback for the emotional energy you invest in it.

Yes, it’s hard to pretend that everything is OK. But dropping the pretense and being truly happy is easier.

Now, let’s talk about how to stop pretending to be happy by taking your thoughts captive.

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How to Stop Pretending to Be Happy and Be Happy for Real

The 8 steps I’m going to share with you for how to stop pretending to be happy aren’t complicated. But fair warning: This doesn’t mean they’re easy.

They require you to get honest and raw with yourself as you face your true feelings. This can feel uncomfortable, to say the least. But if you keep living a lie, it will all come crashing down on you at some point.

Of course, you can keep creating your life based on something someone else said “should” make you happy. Meanwhile, you’ll be waiting for disaster to strike and blow up your lies for all to see.

But in my experience, you’re better off taking control now and dictating the story of your life.

8 Foundational Steps for How to Stop Faking Happiness

Here’s what to do instead of continuing to throw away your precious emotional energy pretending to be happy.

1. Acknowledge your unhappiness and its root cause.

Start by asking yourself, “Why am I pretending to be happy?” Whatever your answer, ask yourself, “But why?” Then keep asking why to every answer you give. You’ll find the real truth about why you’re unhappy when you run out of whys.

2. Acknowledge your fear.

Tell yourself the truth—you’re pretending to be happy because you’re afraid of everyone around you knowing about your unhappiness. Then ask yourself why you’re afraid of them knowing. And answer!

Maybe you think you shouldn’t be unhappy and you’re afraid of their judgment. Whatever answer you come up with, ask yourself, “But why?” Then keep asking why until hit on the real reason for your fear

3. Choose how you want to feel instead.

Do you want to feel happy, joyful, or at peace? Or maybe you want to feel authentic, free, and satisfied with your life.

Don’t keep leaving your emotions to operate on default. Instead, choose with intention how you want to feel in your everyday life.

4. Choose thoughts to support your desired emotions.

You may think your circumstances cause your emotions. But the truth is, your thoughts are the on-and-off switch for your feelings.

This is empowering news because it means you don’t have to wait for or depend on anything outside of you to make you feel great.

Knowing this, here’s your next step. Write down a few thoughts you believe will help you feel the new go-to emotions you’ve decided on in the previous step.

How to stop pretending to be happy quote pin

5. Practice your new thoughts and feelings.

Right now, you’re in the habit of feeling miserable in your life, which is why you want to know how to stop pretending to be happy. You’re in this habit because you’ve practiced it—and its associated thoughts—for a long time.

If you want to cultivate a new habit of feeling better, you’ll need to practice your new thoughts and emotions multiple times each day.

Set a repeating reminder on your phone if you have to. Then each time it goes off, close your eyes, practice your new thought, and feel the emotions you want to cultivate in your life.

6. Take stock of your circumstances.

Choose to practice emotional mastery by cultivating happiness despite your circumstances. You’ll be all the better for it.

But at the same time, you can take an honest look at your circumstances and decide if it’s really for you.

Do you want things to stay as they are? Why or why not? What do you want to change, if anything at all?

7. Choose your next best step.

Taking stock of your circumstances as you’re learning how to stop pretending to be happy will give you a glimpse into the life you truly desire.

Once you have this vision—even if it’s faint—decide on the next best step you can take to create it for yourself.

8. Be courageous.

The truth is, whatever step you take, even if only to stop pretending to be happy, will require you to be brave.

You can keep hiding in your fake happiness, afraid of what others will think of you and your choices. Or you can say some powerful prayers for fear and take the step you know you need to take.

You Can Stop Pretending and Be Happy

Night after night, I waited for my boyfriend to leave the house so I could stop pretending to be happy. And night after night, I’d feel relief when he did because it’s hard to pretend that everything is OK.

For countless years, I did the same with everyone else in my life and I was exhausted. If only I’d ditched those 2 joy-stealing lies: Happiness comes when life is perfect and happiness should be easy.

And if only I’d known how to stop pretending to be happy, I’d have found true happiness sooner.

But you don’t have to waste the years I did, pretending to be happy while you’re secretly miserable.

Instead, you can ditch the lies you’re telling yourself—and everyone else—face the truth of why you’re unhappy, and choose how you want to feel instead.

O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
Psalm 34:8 (APMC)

Then you can gather up your courage and confidence and get after the true happiness waiting for you!

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