My Husband Turns Everything around on Me: 3 Unusual Tips to Restore Your Peace

Inside: “My husband turns everything around on me and I’m frustrated!” Here’s how to take back your power and restore your peace. Don’t forget to download the checklist to help you come out of his blame game as the grand slam champion.

I gaped, my eyes bulging as I stood across the granite-topped island from him. My brain struggled to register what had just come from his mouth.

How, for goodness sake, had he so skillfully turned this around on me?

I’d strategized and prepared for days. I knew the conversation wouldn’t be easy and he wouldn’t take my feedback lying down. So when I finally bit the bullet and brought up the subject, I used every diplomatic skill in my arsenal.

My goal was to minimize the hit to his ego because I knew he’d come out swinging if his pride—always his priority—felt bruised. I’d expected some pushback, but not the nuclear fallout that continued for days afterward.

I should have anticipated it, though. Because although he wasn’t my husband, he’d been my boyfriend for long enough that I was used to him blaming me for everything.

Even so, as I stood in my kitchen on that Saturday afternoon listening to his accusations, all I could think was, “He did it again. Somehow, he managed to turn this around on me.”

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win your husband’s blame game when it’s always your fault.

My Husband Blames Me for Everything…Every. Single. Thing!

In that one instance, my partner blamed me for his inaction, laziness, and lack of contribution to our financial life. It was huge, obvious, and beyond ridiculous, even for him, the ultimate blame-shifter.

But he doesn’t only behave this way with big issues, does he? He turns everything around on you—and everyone else, for that matter—in small ways too. All the time.

Like when he:

• Low-key blames you for not nudging him to do something as if you’re his personal reminders app.
• Comes back at you with, “But you didn’t…” whenever he feels like you’re criticizing him.
• Accidentally leaves his wallet at home (which was obviously your fault since you annoyed him just before he left the house).

Let’s just rip the bandage off and call a spade a spade. Your husband or partner may be a narcissist. Or he may simply be a jerk.

Either way, he’s mastered the art of sneaky fault-finding and blame-shifting. And now you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, waiting for him to explode the next molehill into an unnecessary mountain.

But why does he behave this way?

Part of taking back your power is understanding what’s beneath his behavior. So let’s dig in and find out.

But First, Let’s Be Honest

Let’s be real: sometimes it’s your fault. After all, you’re only human, which means you’re imperfect and you mess up at times.

But in a healthy relationship, each person pretty evenly takes responsibility for the inevitable issues that crop up.

In an emotionally mature relationship, partners own up when they fail because they care about their integrity and their partner’s emotional well-being.

Plus, when they need to discuss the issue, they do it with love as their motivation. Not because they have to prove they’re right, or to put down the other person so they can build themselves up.

This is the complete opposite of the sneaky blame game your partner has going on, where nothing is ever his fault.

My Husband Turns Everything around on Me. Why Does He Do That?

You can find lots of reasons why he behaves this way. But let’s talk about three of the most common ones you’re probably dealing with right now.

Then we’ll talk about how to take your power back and restore your peace.

1. My Husband Blames Everything on Me: His Insecurity

Your husband or partner may turn everything around on you because he feels insecure.

It may not seem like it but many blame-shifters often have low self-esteem. So, to feel better about himself, your husband puts you down and makes you feel like you’re not good enough.

Here’s how it works in his head.

When he turns things around on you, he proves that he’s better than you. This takes the spotlight off you and puts it squarely back on him, where he wants it. Now you’re the one who looks bad instead of him.

He’ll even deliberately go digging for your faults just so he can feel better about himself. This happens especially when you’re winning—at work or in life—and he feels like he’s not.

Related: How To Pray For Love And Peace In Your Home

2. My Partner Turns Everything around on Me: His Need for Control

Your man may turn everything around on you because he wants to control you.

If your husband is a typical blame-shifter, he’s very good at using what he calls logic. In this case, he twists things around and manipulates you into taking responsibility for his mess-up.

Blame-shifters are masters at this tactic. Basically, he “logics” you saying it’s all your fault.

Over time, he conditions you—using his special brand of logic that you can never beat—to believe you’re always to blame.

Eventually, he wears you down until you lose your confidence, doubt your own motives, and—with an ache in the pit of your stomach—reminisce about the good old days when your self-esteem was healthy.

You become his puppet—controlled by a simple look or a word from him—all without noticing what’s happening. He’s even conditioned you to second-guess every decision for fear he won’t approve.

3. My Husband Turns Everything around on Me: His Guilt

Your partner may turn everything around on you as a diversionary tactic. In this case, one of two things is happening. He may not want to admit guilt for a failing you know about. Or he wants to avoid confessing to a secret sin.

You see, coming off as less than perfect is his kryptonite. So he doesn’t like taking responsibility for his not-so-great action or inaction.

When he shifts the blame to you, he distracts you from the issue at hand—where he knows he’s at fault—by putting you on the defensive. In effect, he baits you away so you won’t probe too closely.

A Pro Skill for What to Do If Your Husband Blames You for Everything

Now you know three reasons why your man constantly shifts the blame to you:

1. He’s insecure and protecting his low self-esteem.
2. He wants to control you.
3. He doesn’t want to admit blame or he’s hiding a secret sin.

Can you see how his blame-shifting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him? You’re simply his convenient scapegoat.

Still, you wonder, “My husband turns everything around on me, and that’s not right. How do I handle this?”

How do you maintain your peace when he’s doing everything to wreck it? And how do you get him to stop destroying your confidence and self-esteem with his harmful actions?

Here’s the bad news first: you can’t do anything about his behavior.

Sorry, girl. It’s hard to swallow but it’s the raw truth.

He’s a grown man so he has the right to do whatever he wants. Short of domestic violence or physically endangering you, of course.

You can’t change him, not by anything you say or do. You see, he’s convinced he’s never wrong. So you trying to point out his faults will get you exactly nowhere.

Yes, God can and does work miracles. But your man most likely won’t just up and change. So don’t depend on any solution to your problem where he magically becomes different.

Fools are headstrong and do what they like; wise people take advice.

Proverbs 12:15 (MSG)

But here’s the wonderful news.

You have all the power you need to create a solution for yourself.

I’ll show you how by answering your 3 most pressing questions.

As I answer them, I’ll reveal a master technique for feeling better the next time your husband turns something around on you.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win your husband’s blame game when it’s always your fault.

1. My husband thinks he’s always right and I’m wrong. How can I get him to believe it’s his fault?

Bet on this: you’ll never convince him that he’s wrong.

Remember who you’re dealing with. He’ll go down swinging to protect his pride, his low self-esteem, and his perfect image of himself.

So walk away from that idea and stop wasting your time.

But how do you walk away from an argument when you know he’s wrong and you’re right?

Well, you just allow him to be wrong.

There’s no law saying you have to prove yourself right and him wrong. That’s your desire for fair play talking.

Sure, it would be great if every person in the world would own up and fess up when they’re wrong. Then we could keep things nice and fair all the time.

But that’s a pipe dream and you’re not the Galaxy’s Guardian of All Justice.

So here are three things you can stop doing right now:

1. Stop wishing for him to admit he’s wrong and apologize.
2. Stop wishing for him to stick to the script you have for him.
3. And stop wasting your energy fighting a war you can’t win.

Let go of how you expect him to behave and let him be wrong.

The day you start allowing people to just be wrong—about you, about themselves, and about any hot-button issue that usually riles you up—is the day you take back a whole lot of peace in your life.

2. What’s the best way to treat people who continuously find fault with everything you do?

“But, Kris,” you say, “That is not OK! How can I just let him be wrong when my husband turns everything around on me? Are you saying I should roll over and take it?”

Nope, I’m not saying that.

While you’re letting him be wrong, you don’t have to stew over the unfairness of it all. And you don’t have to let yourself feel persecuted.

You see, you’ve gotten into the habit of being his victim whenever your husband turns everything around on you. Each time, the story in your head goes something like this:

You’ve given away your emotional power, which feels terrible, doesn’t it?

Instead, tell yourself an empowering, better-feeling, more self-supportive story like this:

See? When you let him be wrong, you:

• Don’t let him get under your skin;
• Keep your power; and
• Maintain your inner peace.

Heck, you may even feel compassion for him.

3. But how can you maintain a healthy relationship with someone who turns things around on you?

Now, I’m not saying you should subject yourself to emotional abuse, from him or anyone else.

Because while you’re maintaining your peace amid his blame-shifting, you also need to decide if this is the type of relationship you want for yourself.

Especially if this man isn’t your lawfully wedded husband. Like my ex-partner wasn’t my husband.

A few simple questions—and a commitment to be honest with yourself—will help you decide.

As you think about these questions, keep this context in mind: you can’t stop your man from turning everything around on you.

• What type of person do I want to be with?
• What qualities do I value in the people I let into my inner circle?
• Which of these qualities are the most important for my partner to have?

As you think about these questions and any others that come to mind, journal your answers. Then ask yourself similar questions about your current relationship so you can see where the biggest differences lie.

Once you’ve uncovered the differences, decide how you can bridge the gaps without requiring him to change. Or if you even want to bridge them.

Finally, pray and think about how you want the rest of your life to unfold. Because God’s plan for you isn’t to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who isn’t your husband.

Husbands, love your wives [be affectionate and sympathetic with them] and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful toward them.

Colossians 3:19 (AMPC)

If you’re in a marriage with this type of controlling person, you can do the same exercise.

But add one more question to your self-reflection list:

• What kind of wife do I want to be?

You can answer this question by listing the qualities you want to have in your marriage. For example:

• In my relationship, I want to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
• I want to be kind and generous with my love.
• I want to feel confident in my relationship.

You can even do your own Bible study on what it means to be a godly wife. Then focus on showing up as the wife you want to be.

Related: 4 Uplifting Tips That Will Make You Feel Appreciated in Every Situation

Beyond focusing on yourself, you may try to get your husband into counseling with you. But straight up, this is next to impossible with a blame-shifter. So don’t bank on it happening.

Plus, if you do achieve the miracle of getting him into counseling, he may use his pro skills at blame-shifting to convince the counselor that you’re the source of all your relationship problems. So don’t get your hopes up too high.

Meanwhile, you can also seek advice from an experienced Christian mentor or counselor at your church. You can even find a support group online.

Get Your Free Printable Checklist for Winning When He Blames You for Everything

When you start using the master techniques you’ve learned here, you’ll take back your emotional power from your husband—or anyone else who’s stolen it!

Use this checklist as a guide to help you recover your peace and win when your husband turns everything around on you.

1. Get the free guide. You’ll get the printable guide and join my weekly newsletter. Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any type of paper will do.
3. Keep your guide where you can easily grab it when you need to come out of his blame game as the grand slam champion.

Here’s a sneak peek of your free printable guide:

Your Action List for When He Turns Everything around on You

Long before that stunning conversation in my kitchen when my boyfriend turned everything around on me yet again, I knew our relationship was toxic.

Looking back now, it’s obvious. But by then, I’d bought his lie—hook, line, and sinker—that I was always the problem.

You see, he had me well trained and my self-esteem was in shambles. Plus, I didn’t have the tools or the confidence to handle the situation in ways where I wouldn’t end up feeling like roadkill.

But you do.

So next time your husband turns everything around on you:

1. Allow him to be wrong. It doesn’t feel fair but you have nothing to gain in a war you can’t win.
2. Tell yourself a more self-supportive story about his wrongness so you can keep your inner peace.
3. Think about and choose what kind of relationship you want, and how you want to show up in it.

In the end, you can’t control your man, the way he’s trying to control you. And you can’t force him to stop turning everything around on you.

But…you can control your own mind so you keep your peace and your power.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7 (NLT)

Before you go, get your FREE printable download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

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