You Love Him but You Don’t Need Him: Here’s Why It’s Not Your Problem

Inside: Discover the real reason why you feel like you don’t need him to complete you, even though you love him. Plus, the one thing you really do need instead.

I remember one of the first times my boyfriend was mad at me.

It was over some stupid thing. Something so simple, I never once thought it was a potential problem.

Certainly not someone to land me in the doghouse.

Here’s what happened. My car needed servicing, so I did what I knew to do—I called a professional to handle it. It never once occurred to me to call my boyfriend about it. I mean, it was routine servicing and I’d been dealing with it myself before my boyfriend came along.

So my mechanic showed up and handled it…which was when all hell broke loose.

Somehow, it was no longer as simple as the car. Somehow it turned into accusations of, “You don’t need me, so how can you say you love me?”

Back then, I didn’t have an answer for him because I didn’t understand myself.

But now, I know exactly why I didn’t need him, even though I loved him.

And why there was nothing wrong with that.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win back your peace when it’s always your fault.

I Don’t Need Him but I Can’t Let Him Know

Maybe for you, it wasn’t your car. Maybe it was a home repair. And maybe you called the repair person and they handled it.

All without needing or involving your man.

Or maybe it was something else entirely. Whatever the trigger, you have this man who thinks you should feel complete in him, and only him.

But you don’t.

So your not needing him is now a whole thing in your relationship. 

It’s a bomb you don’t know how to diffuse while keeping the peace in your life. You tiptoe around it, the way you do his pride and ego.

Because the truth is, even though you love him, you don’t need him for…well, anything.

Still, you’re a smart woman. So after that first trigger, you learned to hide the truth.

And now you pretend to need him to feel complete when, in fact, you don’t.

If you’re like I was in my old relationship, you’ve probably put yourself on a schedule to call or text him throughout the day. Just so he’ll think he’s always on your mind.

It seems silly but is the only viable way to stop him from suspecting you don’t need him.

And if your man is especially insecure or narcissistic, you even hesitate about going out with your friends. Otherwise, he’ll be on your back about how you love and need them but you don’t need him or love him.

Related: A Simple Guide for What to Do When Your Boyfriend Is Mad at You

Even going to a miserable job is a relief. Just so you don’t have to act like you can’t make a move without seeking out his opinion for every little thing.

Just so you can take a break from pretending to need him when you don’t.

But Here’s the Problem

You’ve been pretending to need him, even though you don’t. And you’ve done it to keep your man from staying on your back about it all the time.

But you’ve paid a price for your pretending, and you may not even know.

You’ve cultivated a root of bitterness in your heart.

You’re bitter about having to pretend in the first place. Plus, you’re drained from keeping up the pretense.

Not to mention, you’re kinda salty. After all, you’re a successful woman who’s accomplished a lot. But you have to hide how proud you are because you did it all without needing him to complete you.

And you’re also confused. I mean, why can’t he be an enhancement to your already satisfying life? Why does he have to complete you?

On top of all this, your love for him shouldn’t even be in question. Not after how much you’ve sacrificed for him, including some of your God-given dreams, goals, opportunities, and even career moves. Not to mention your peace of mind.

Just so he wouldn’t feel like you don’t need him.

Meanwhile, what has he sacrificed for you? As far as you can see, not a thing, which means he’s the winner in this deal.

And still, somehow you’re the one whose love is always in question.

So, of course, you’re bitter. You have every reason to be.

Right?

Well, maybe not. I’ll explain why in a minute.

But first, let’s talk about the real reason why you don’t need him, even though he thinks you should.

The ONE Reason Why You Don’t Need Him, Even Though You Love Him

Here’s the bottom line, right up front.

Your gut is saying there’s something wrong with your man’s argument, “If you don’t need me, then you don’t love me.”

And the truth is, you do have a hole in your heart waiting to be filled.

Here’s even more truth: Your man won’t ever be able to fill the hole in your heart.

Your heart already knows it, and this is why you don’t need him, even though you love him.

So the real question is this: Who or what can fill the hole in your heart?

Now, you may be thinking, “Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Kris. My heart is fine, thank you very much. There’s no hole here.”

Except…there is.

It’s why you keep wondering how to know your God-given purpose—because you sense something is missing. And it’s not a need your man can fill.

It’s why you can’t let go of wanting to know your calling from God. And it will keep tormenting you and making you wonder why you feel unfulfilled until you face and fill it.

Since this is the true source of your problem, let’s take a closer look.

Then you’ll understand why he wants you to need him, and why you don’t.

The Truth about What You Need Instead

The Bible has the answer you’re looking for. Let’s jump right in and see what it says.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:11a (ESV)

Pay special attention to the part about God putting eternity into your heart. It’s a great Christian soundbite but what does it actually mean?

Well, it means your heart longs for more.

The concept is like smoke—hard to grasp or express. But let’s try anyway.

The more your heart is longing for may be an ache in your soul. A longing for deep fulfillment, satisfaction, and joy.

It may be a longing for true acceptance and unconditional love. Or a longing for purpose, passion, and meaning.

Related: 5 Powerful Signs He Loves You Deeply [+ 5 Huge Anti-signs You Need to Know]

So you chase those things but you never quite grab hold.

Maybe you hold them in your grasp for an instant. But almost as quickly, they float away like so much vapor. And you’re off again, chasing the next answer to what makes you happy. Chasing the next thing you hope will fill the hole in your heart.

But wait! Our Bible verse isn’t done yet.

…yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11b (ESV)

This means all your chasing after things to make your heart feel whole is futile. You’re eternity—meaning, purpose, fulfillment, acceptance, unconditional love—but you can’t find it.

And you never will.

Because only one thing can fill the hole in your heart, and it’s nothing you’ve been chasing.

King David knew it too.

You reveal the path of life to me; in your presence is abundant joy; at your right hand are eternal pleasures.

Psalm 16:11 (CSB)

Here’s your answer. The thing your soul is aching for is God.

He’s the only one who can satisfy you.

God is why you don’t need your man, even though you love him.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win back your peace when it’s always your fault.

Why It’s a Problem for Him When You Don’t Need Him

As it turns out, you’re not the only one in your relationship looking for a fill-up. Your man has a hole in his heart too, waiting to be filled.

It’s why nothing you do was good enough for your boyfriend or husband. It’s why your commitment and love aren’t enough for him. And it’s why he’s insisting you would need him if you truly loved him.

Meanwhile, you now know the truth.

Because of your man’s non-existent or anemic relationship with God, he’s looking to fill the hole in his heart with you and with all the other stuff he’s chasing.

Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused.  Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.

Romans 1:21-23 (NLT)

The idols in your man’s life may not be bird or reptile images. Instead, they may be things like recognition, validation, financial security, or your complete adoration.

The bottom line: He’s been chasing different things, hoping to fill the hole in his heart. Just like you have.

What to Do Instead of Pretending to Need Him

Let’s go back to the root of unacknowledged bitterness in your heart. The one caused by your feeling like you have to pretend to need your man, even though you deep-down know you don’t.

In all honesty, you can’t blame your bitterness on him.

You’re the one who decided to go the route of keeping peace on the surface while living in turmoil below, in your heart. Your man didn’t make you do it.

And the plain truth is this: If you want to get true peace back in your life—the peace that passes all understanding—you’re going to have to be brave.

You see, the only way true peace will come is if you stop pretending to need your man. Instead, all you need to do is love him the best you can and let your love be enough.

Fair warning, though. Your man may try to make you feel like your love is still not good enough for him. And he may still expect you to complete him.

But since you’re not the one thing He needs to feel complete—God—it’s not your issue to fix.

You Don’t Have to Need Him, Just Because You Love Him

The car thing happened early on in our relationship. And I made the mistake of not seeing it for the red flag that it was.

Instead, I stayed for 10 years in a toxic relationship, letting my boyfriend turn everything around on me and making every issue in our relationship my fault. And I swallowed the lie that if I loved him, I should need him to complete me.

Thank God I know better now. And so do you!

You’ve allowed your man to make you feel less than because you don’t need him to complete you. But now you know why—the heart in your hole waiting to be filled is meant for God, not your man, and not anyone or anything else.

It’s the truth, straight from the Bible.

For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

Colossians 2:9-10 (NLT)

Do you see? You don’t need your man to complete you because you’re already whole and complete in Jesus.

Nothing and no one can top that.

Before you go, get your FREE printable download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

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