I Don’t Like My Husband: Feel New Peace in 4 Unexpected Ways

Inside: I don’t like my husband. It’s hard to admit and can feel overwhelming. Here are the answers to your questions about what to do now. Plus 4 pro moves to feel at peace again.

He wasn’t my husband but by then, we’d been together for almost a decade. For more than half of those years, we’d lived together.

And I couldn’t stand him.

Ten years ago, I wrote this prayer in my secret journal. You can see it, right? Being around my boyfriend stressed me the heck out.

Plus, I’d come to realize he was kind of a jerk. Somewhere along the way, my rose-colored glasses had fallen off and shattered to smithereens. What before I’d seen as self-confidence now came across like arrogance, which he mostly directed at me. And where I’d originally thought he was well-read, he now just seemed like a know-it-all.

But I was on tenterhooks the day I wrote that prayer because every time we were alone together for any significant amount of time—even for mere hours—he’d find a way to make a mountain out of some random, innocent thing I said or did. Then, unrelenting and without mercy, he’d use it as a reason to pick me apart for the next several days.

By the time I wrote that prayer, my self-esteem was in shambles. I didn’t like my man but I still loved him. And I didn’t know what to do about it.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win back your peace when it’s always your fault.

I Don’t Like My Husband Anymore and I’m Hiding It

You know where I was at that day.

I didn’t like my man as a person anymore, but I didn’t want him or anyone else to know about it. I was embarrassed and felt stuck in my toxic relationship. All I wanted was to feel better about it but I didn’t know how.

Maybe, like I used to do, you wake up hugging the edge of your bed, just so you can keep physical contact with him to a minimum.

If your head is where mine was at, you don’t want him to misinterpret an accidental brushing up against him in your sleep as a desire to have sex with him. Because you darn sure don’t. Heck, you probably have to force yourself to show him any affection at all.

At this point, you’re just managing to beat back a cringe every time he touches you. In fact, you’ve become a master at dodging him without seeming to if it even looks like he’s about to touch you.

And like I used to, when you wake up each day, you’re barely conscious before your most frequent thought surfaces: I don’t like my husband anymore, and I don’t know how much longer I can hide it.

Because right now, it’s your dirty little secret. No one in your life knows you dislike your husband, sometimes with an intensity bordering on hate.

You want to talk it through with someone, maybe get some relationship advice. But how embarrassing would it be if anyone knew?

From the outside, your relationship looks great, like you’re a model couple. And the thought of anyone knowing you don’t like your husband anymore is so mortifying, you can’t even entertain it.

I Really Don’t Like My Husband but Also…

Beyond worrying about what others would think if they knew, you’re also struggling with other emotions about this situation.

For example, I didn’t like my boyfriend but I was also angry with him half the time and I resented him.

You know where I was because you’re there now.

You feel so negative toward him, you don’t even want to be around him anymore. In fact, your whole body sags in relief when you get to be away from him, even for only a few hours.

But as uncomfortable as all those feelings are, if you’re going to find peace, you need to deal with them. You need to probe them to see where they’re coming from so you can make some new, better-feeling choices.

You see, as painful as it is, you can’t heal an infected wound if you don’t clean it out. So let’s dig up and face what you’re feeling. Then we’ll apply some healing salve by diving into 4 ways you can stop not liking your husband and feel better.

1. I don’t like my husband and I resent him.

If you’re feeling resentment towards your husband, it’s because of one thing: He makes you feel like you’re not good enough. You’ll find this to be true no matter how you come at it.

Let’s take your simmering anger as an example. Anger is usually a cover-up for another emotion, like fear or hurt. So you feel angry with your husband and don’t like him right now because you feel hurt by something (or things) he’s said or done.

This same thing he’s said or done makes you feel like something is wrong with you. Like you’re not meeting his needs or coming up to his standard in some way. This boils down to you not being good enough for him.

Or maybe your anger is covering fear that his endless criticisms of you are right. Because as much as you don’t want to think you’re a bad person, his constant harping on your shortcomings has undermined your self-image and now you’re wondering if he could be right about you not being good enough.

Plus you may resent your husband if he always makes it seem like you’re the one at fault. Whether he’s a bonafide narcissist or just a self-important jerk, it feels terrible when your husband always turns everything around on you.

He’s always putting you in the wrong, which adds to the message of you never being good enough. This causes all kinds of simmering resentment since you know for sure you’re not the only imperfect one in this relationship.

So you straight up don’t like your man because he makes you feel like you don’t measure up. Some days, he even makes you feel like the world’s worst wife or girlfriend.

No wonder you don’t like being around him. Who would?

2. I don’t want to be with my husband anymore but I feel stuck.

Your biggest secret is yet to be revealed.

Not only don’t you like being around your man. But when you’re being one hundred percent honest with yourself, you don’t want to be with him anymore, full stop.

Here’s the thing though. You may be scared to even think about leaving him.

Let’s see another entry from my secret journal, written a few months after the first one I shared with you.

I knew I didn’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore but I felt trapped…by everyone else’s opinions, except mine and God’s. Maybe you feel this way too.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win back your peace when it’s always your fault.

3. I don’t like my husband but I still care what he thinks about me.

As much as you dislike your man right now, you’re not down with him hating you. Because, like it or not, his opinion of you still matters.

Maybe it’s because deep down you still long for his approval. Or maybe it’s because you’re a Christian woman who’s supposed to represent Christ in your marriage.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (ESV)

Either way, you care enough about what he thinks that you’re willing to stay stuck exactly where you are.

4. I don’t like my husband and I don’t want him to know.

Sure, you’re not feeling warm and fuzzy towards your husband or boyfriend right now. But even though you shrink away from his touch, you don’t want him to know your real feelings.

Maybe it’s because you know you’ll catch hell from him if he finds out, and you don’t want to deal with the extra tension. Or like me, you might think disliking him means he’s right and you don’t measure up to his standards of how to truly love someone.

Whatever your reason, you don’t want your husband to find out that you really don’t like him anymore.

Related: Nothing I Do Is Good Enough for My Boyfriend: How to Reclaim Your Power

5. I don’t like my husband but I care how I look.

Then there’s your self-image. You’re no quitter and when you make a commitment, you stick to it. Besides, when you love someone you’re supposed to power through the hard times, not throw in the towel.

No, his constant criticism doesn’t feel constructive. It leaves you feeling lower than dirt every single time. But you feel shallow for disliking your husband just because he criticizes you. After all, you’re a big girl so you should be able to take his criticism.

Since you’ve decided it won’t say good things about who you are if you do what you dream about in secret and leave your marriage, you hang on to it because of your image.

6. I don’t like my husband but I care what others think.

Rounding out the mess of emotions keeping you stuck is how much you care about what other people think.

You’re a Christian woman. Sure, marriage isn’t always sunshine and roses, but you’re not supposed to actively dislike your husband. Especially when he seems like a nice guy and everyone likes him.

If they knew your thoughts about him, they’d think you’re crazy for not liking your man. Or maybe they’d think you’re the one with the problem because he’s awesome and who would think he’s not?

So your fear of what others might think keeps you stuck exactly where you are.

Can I Do Anything about Not Liking My Husband?

The thing is, you haven’t just been sitting around waiting for a bolt of all-consuming love to strike you like lightning from the sky, so you’ll stop disliking your husband.

You’ve tried countless solutions because borderline hating the person you’re supposed to love the most feels terrible.

First, you begged God to help you stop disliking your husband and love him again the way you used to. Then you implored God to make you the woman your husband wants you to be so you’ll finally be good enough for him. And through it all, you’ve done everything you can to be a better woman, one who’ll meet his standards.

At this point, you’re hoping you’ll wake up one day and magically stop thinking, “I don’t like my husband.” But instead of waiting for this unlikely event, let’s hook you up with a real solution to make you feel better…but only if you do it.

Here’s How to Stop Disliking Your Husband

I have great news for you, my darling.

You can stop disliking your husband without needing him to change anything about himself or about how he thinks of you or about how he behaves towards you. And when you do, you’ll find peace flowing through you again like a river.

Amazing, right?

OK, you’re skeptical and I understand. I hear you saying, “But, Kris, you don’t get it. I don’t like my husband as a person because he sucks. Seriously, he’s a jerk and I can’t stand him anymore. So obviously, I can only stop disliking him if he changes.”

Girl, I’m happy to be the one to tell you you’re wrong. Stick with me and I’ll tell you why this is a good thing.

As you keep reading, keep one important fact in mind: You’re the only person you can control. You can’t control your husband or anyone else in your life. Only yourself.

Now, here are 4 power moves to go from “I don’t like my husband” to loving yourself more and disliking your husband less.

1. Don’t be like your husband.

You’re feeling righteous indignation over your husband’s arrogant, critical behavior because he makes you feel bad about yourself.

Most of the time, you’re thinking, “I don’t like my husband,” while you let your anger, resentment, and bitterness toward him fester until you almost hate him.

But as you allow your negative thoughts and feelings to spiral, grow, and run amok in your mind and body, how are you showing up in your relationship? Are you being the wife or girlfriend you want to be?

Or are you showing up as someone you don’t like?

Because, my darling, as you sit in your relationship disliking your man and letting those feelings grow, you start mirroring his behavior.

Even if you don’t say it out loud, you’re silently criticizing almost everything he says and does, the same way you feel like he always criticizes you.

So if you don’t want to become someone you don’t admire—or straight up don’t like—it’s in your best interest to stop letting yourself become like your man.

2. Stop should-ing on yourself and him.

You need to know the real truth about why you don’t like your husband. It’s not because he’s a jerk who criticizes you and makes you feel like dirt.

You don’t like your husband because you’re thinking a thought that creates in you a feeling of dislike toward him.

Your thought looks something like this:

• He’s not supposed to criticize me like this.
• He should have my back and this isn’t what having my back looks like.
• He’s supposed to make me feel loved but he doesn’t.
• He shouldn’t behave this way.

Do you see all those should’s and supposed to’s? You expect your husband to behave according to an unconscious manual you have for him. But he isn’t and this is creating a problem for you.

The thing is, your man can do and say whatever he wants. He’s a grown man who’s one hundred percent responsible for his words and actions. So he doesn’t have to live his life according to anyone’s manual except his own. Not even yours!

This means you don’t get to control his thoughts, feelings, or actions.

In the same way, you get to think, feel, and do whatever you want. This is the best news ever because it means you get to tell yourself any story you want about his actions.

Let’s make this real with an example.

Say your husband’s just finished ripping you a new one over something you did. Say he has a problem with how you hug other people, claiming it cheapens the experience of you hugging him.

(Girl, it sounds like a stupid scenario but I lived this ridiculousness for months. Months!)

Say he’s even gone as far as to compare how you hug to how other women hug. He’s even outright said you’re a loose woman because of how you hug other men.

(Yes, he said those words to me out of his mouth. And he kept saying them for months. Months!)

Now, you can interpret his opinion in one of two ways.

Option 1: You can torture yourself with thoughts about how petty he’s being, how he shouldn’t accuse you of being loose over a hug for goodness’ sake, and let his opinion undermine your self-esteem and confidence.

With this option, you end up not liking your husband even more. You also dislike yourself because you’ve let him plant a new reason in your mind to believe you don’t measure up.

Option 2: You can wonder what the heck he’s talking about and be fascinated by how wrong he is about you. Because seriously, you give amazing hugs! Everyone who gets them is lucky to be on the receiving end, including him.

Then you allow him to be wrong about you.

With this option, you end up feeling compassion for your husband because it’s kind of sad that he wants others to miss out on experiencing your great hugs, just because he’s insecure.

Do you see how option 2—where you choose to interpret his actions in a way that doesn’t result in you not liking your husband or yourself—feels way better?

3. Create a new vision for your relationship.

Now you understand three things:

• You don’t control your husband’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
• Letting your feelings of dislike run amok is turning you into him.
• You can choose to think anything you want about what he says or does.

It’s time to take the next step in getting your power back.

Grab your journal and write a detailed vision of what you want for your marriage, or your relationship with your man if you’re not married to him. Don’t get sidetracked by writing about all the ways you wish he would change. Remember, you can’t change him and you don’t control him.

If you find this visioning exercise difficult, try using these prompts:

• What type of person do I want to be with?
• What qualities do I value the most and want to see in the people I allow to be close to me?
• Which of these qualities are the most important for my partner to have?
• What emotions do I want to feel toward my partner?

Once you’ve fleshed out your vision of how you want your relationship to be, ask yourself similar questions about your current relationship and identify the gaps between the two.

Remember, you only have control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. So brainstorm some ways in which you can bridge these gaps without requiring your husband to change.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable download—The Blame Game Grand Slam Checklist. It gives you 6 unusual tips to win back your peace when it’s always your fault.

4. Become the woman you want to be.

Don’t misread this point. I’m not telling you to become the woman your man says you should be. In fact, I don’t give a hoot about who he thinks you should be.

Since you can only control yourself, think with intention about what kind of wife or girlfriend you want to show up as in your relationship. And I’m not talking about the Proverbs 31 woman either, because perfection isn’t the goal. Just be real about who you want to be.

Do this by making a detailed list of qualities you want to have. You can even write them as statements about who you want to be. For example:

• In my relationship, I want to be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
• I want to be kind and generous with my love.
• I want to feel confident in my relationship.

Then decide on one thing you can do to become the woman you described.

Just one.

Don’t expect to magic up a new you in a week. If you do, you’ll feel overwhelmed or like a complete failure the first time you miss the mark—which you for sure will—and give up on yourself.

Instead, when you stumble and fall over an obstacle by not showing up the way you want to, remind yourself of God’s fresh, new mercies every morning. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going.

When you take this approach, you’ll transform yourself into the wife or girlfriend you want to be, instead of the woman someone else thinks you should become so you can measure up to their imaginary, made-up standards.

When you take this approach, you’ll love yourself more and dislike your husband less.

I Don’t Like My Husband: Empowering Answers to Your Burning Questions

So far, we’ve covered why you don’t like your husband and how you can stop disliking him. Now let’s move on to some specific questions you may be dealing with right now.

1. I love my husband but I don’t like him. What can I do?

First of all, you probably feel terrible because of this. I mean, what kind of wife doesn’t like her husband, right?

My darling, stop judging yourself for feeling this way. You’re only making yourself feel worse when you do this.

Instead, ask yourself why you don’t like him and answer yourself honestly, Then let yourself feel your feelings, minus the judgment you’ve been punishing yourself with.

When you’re ready, apply the lessons you’ve learned about how to stop disliking your husband:

1. Remember, you can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
2. Don’t mirror his behavior by becoming someone you don’t like.
3. Remember, you don’t need him to change so you can feel better.
4. Flesh out a new vision for your relationship and work out how you can bridge the most important gaps (for you), without needing him to change.
5. Become the wife you want to be.

Then you’ll be so preoccupied with giving yourself all the things you want in your relationship, you may find you don’t even dislike your husband anymore.

2. I don’t feel like talking to my husband. Does this mean I don’t love him?

Not necessarily. It may mean you don’t trust him to give you what you want out of a conversation, so you don’t want to have one with him.

For example, maybe you want him to be quiet and listen while you vent about your terrible boss. But instead, you know he’ll end up pointing out all the ways you’re failing at your job and start giving you pointers on how to be better.

Because of how conversations have gone with him in the past, your feelings of not wanting to talk to him are understandable. But not communicating isn’t going to make your relationship better. In fact, it’ll make your relationship worse.

You can solve this problem by letting him know at the start of the conversation what you want from him.

Sticking with our example, you’d let him know all you need is for him to listen while you vent and maybe hug you when you’re done.

Now, he may choose to honor this request of not giving you pointers, or he may not—you can’t control this part. But you can decide ahead of time how you want to show up no matter what he decides to do.

3. Why do I feel I can’t express myself and my needs to my husband?

You feel this way because you don’t feel safe with him. After all the criticism he’s dropped on you, you’re probably feeling pretty victimized by now. Also, if his needs always come above yours, it’s no wonder you don’t like your husband and are hesitant to bare your soul to him.

But here’s some good news: You can fulfill all of your needs yourself. Every single one.

• Are you feeling unappreciated and want him to make you feel special? Then appreciate yourself and make yourself feel special. When you do, his positive attention is nice-to-have gravy.
• Do you want him to love you by giving you flowers? Then give yourself flowers and enjoy the heck outta them.
• Do you want him to compliment you more often? Then go on an all-out love fest for yourself with compliments galore.

On top of all this, you don’t need anyone except God and yourself to make you feel safe, since safety is an emotion you generate with your thoughts.

4. I don’t enjoy spending time with my husband. Is this normal?

First things first: what’s normal? Who defines it?

Don’t create unnecessary suffering for yourself by trying to judge if how you’re feeling is “normal” or not. You feel how you feel and that’s enough.

Having said this, relationships go through ups and downs. Sometimes they’re great and sometimes, not so much. You may simply be in a relationship slump.

Also, when you spend a lot of time with another person, you’ll probably get on each other’s nerves at some point. This is why taking the occasional time away from each other may not be a bad idea.

Here are a couple of solutions. Plan a night out with the girls, take a personal retreat weekend away by yourself, or find answers for what makes you happy and pursue one of them.

5. I don’t like my husband but I can’t leave. So what now?

“Trapped” and “stuck” are terrible feelings, aren’t they? Especially when you don’t like your husband. I can’t tell you how many times in my old, unhealthy relationship I thought, “I don’t like my man but I feel trapped in this relationship.”

You may feel trapped because you depend on his money or because you’re afraid of what people would think if you left him. You may even feel trapped because you’re in the habit of being in this relationship and can’t conceive of who you’d be without it.

So what can you do in this situation?

First, disprove the underlying belief keeping you trapped. Write out the reason why you think you can’t leave. Then ask yourself, “Is it true?” Or, “What would make this untrue?”

For example, if you think you’ll never be able to survive financially without him, ask yourself if this is true.

What if you got a job? Would it be the end of the world if you had to live on a smaller income and downsize your life? Would your freedom and emotional health be worth the temporary discomfort? Or would you rather hang onto your pride—or the money—and stay unhappy?

Now, this isn’t to say you should leave him. But loosening up the beliefs causing you to feel stuck and trapped will help you feel better in your situation.

This exercise will help you stop feeling like you don’t have options.

6. I don’t like my husband but I don’t want a divorce. Do I have any hope for happiness?

My darling, you never have to get a divorce. Isn’t it great to know? Just because you don’t like your husband doesn’t mean you have to up and leave him.

Instead, try the solutions we’ve talked about to help you move past not liking your husband:

1. Remember, you can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
2. Don’t mirror his behavior by becoming someone you don’t like.
3. Remember, you don’t need him to change so you can feel better.
4. Flesh out a new vision for your relationship and work out how you can bridge the most important gaps (for you), without needing him to change.
5. Become the wife you want to be.

When you focus on yourself in a positive way—which is all you can control—you’ll stop angsting over not liking your husband.

7. How do I tell my husband I don’t like him anymore?

Straight up, a conversation like this is never going to be easy. This is because your husband is almost sure to feel hurt and rejected. And when most people feel like this, they react in anger and lash out since—as you now know—anger is a cover emotion, usually hiding hurt or fear.

So before you initiate a conversation like this, it’s important to pause and ask yourself an important question:

What do you hope to accomplish by telling your husband you don’t like him anymore? Do you want to leave him? Work on your relationship? What?

The result you’re after will determine how you approach the conversation, or if you even need to have this conversation with him.

Remember, you can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. So don’t expect your husband to fall in line with whatever unwritten manual you have for him.

This means you should approach this conversation—if you choose to have it—with no expectations for him and clear expectations for yourself.

I Really Don’t Like My Husband: Your Checklist for Change and Peace

Ten years ago as I suffered through not liking and deeply resenting my boyfriend, I felt trapped and stuck. And because I let myself feel disempowered, I stayed trapped and stuck for far too long.

Thank goodness God sprung me out of the prison I’d built for myself, and I haven’t looked back since.

As for you, my darling, you can stop torturing yourself, thinking, “I don’t like my husband anymore and I can’t do a thing about it!”

You don’t have to waste years of your life wallowing in your awkward, uncomfortable, secret situation either. Instead, use the steps you’ve learned to change your thinking…and maybe even your relationship.

Before you go, get your FREE printable download to help conquer your confusion—The Essential Guide to Finding Clarity.

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